May 6, 2011

• ... Abrupt ending...

  You know... I want to write something... Yet I just don't feel like I can... With it having some meaning?

  *****

  I am just going to crawl back into this shell that I used to have... It's rather freightening to actually talk to people I think....

  It took me nearly 9 months to start talking to the people I work with... I have been there for 1 year and 7 months. All I hear from my co-workers these days are "You are the sweetest thing I have ever met." And they want to know my life story... 

  There's this one woman I work with... Her name is Jain (Jane) and she has been through pretty much everything I have been through with the exception of a few overly traumatic things which only less then 4 people really do know about... She is convinced she is going to be my guardian or something... She told me that once school starts I am to tell her about anyone asking me to pick up shifts or trade with them. She said I am to get her approval first. If she says no, then she will be telling them no for me. She told me I am too busy pleasing people to make them happy that I don't know how to say no. She's rather right. She also said that if people cannot accept my no answers and not want to talk to me or be friends with me that they aren't my true friends. She is also rather right. She finally went forward and told me that I am like a little girl. I have a very deep innocence about me and someone needs to help take care of me. Perhaps she is right... I am not sure on that one. I was raised to take care of myself since I was the only child... I am sure I can take care of myself for the most part.

  Most people say I am too complicated complex to understand... I always told them... That they aren't taking the time to really listen. I told her this exact thing and she said, "You have to be the easiest person to understand." Is that really so? She has been talking to me outside of work for about 2 weeks now and she knows me better than some of my best friends. I am really unsure as to how I feel about that. There are other people who do read this blog which I feel know far too much about me for my comfort level.. And I don't know what to do about it except to crawl into my shell and lock away the key... Hopefully to never speak to them again. That would be rather comforting for me... Likely highly uncomfortable for them. 

  I find a deep comfort in solitude.. And being alone.. Most would likely find it unhealthy... I find it peaceful. I am very introverted... My mother told me I always have been... Even when I was a little girl... Before unspeakable things could have possibly molded me... It still hasn't really changed with one small huge exception:

  I yearn for that social interaction.

  Yet it really must be on my terms... In my control... Otherwise... I don't know how to react... How to gauge... It's rather a frightening concept for me... To talk to other people. I often sit in silence... Or read a book... Or just sit outside gazing into... Nothingness... It's a complete composite of who I am to want to be the sociable person... I've also crossed my own lines which I say never to cross when it comes to talking to people and for some reason.. I have been crossing every single one... My immediate panic is to start pruning the list... To get rid of those who know... The new self... Is asking the old self... "Why?"

  I don't know why.

  It just has to happen.

  *****

  And so it will.

  • 4:56 am
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