June 9, 2013

  • PTSD

    i don’t know why, but i’ve been thinking so much about the warehouse lately. and then i remember all of those things that he did to me in the apartment. i want to get over it but it’s like all those bad things just won’t ever go away because they really do define me. i’m a bad person. i deserve everything that happened. those disgusting pigs just couldn’t keep their filthy hands off me and i’m a disgusting filthy whore. i’ve found myself crying in corners a lot lately. i want to hurt myself so bad, but it’s not my body. even though sammael is core, i can’t hurt sweet shawn ashley because it’s really her body. she hurts herself too sometimes. she’s gotten better lately. i wish i could be better. i don’t want to hurt her, but i just can’t live with all the flashbacks. and i’m alone in the dark room, crying, and no one comes to hug me, or to say it’s ok lily. it really must mean i deserved it. not just the one time in the apartment, but every single time those disgusting pigs laid their hands on me. i don’t know what to do. i can’t get over it, i can’t seem to live with it either. it’s getting worse. how does an alter with severe ptsd get over their ptsd without integrating with the core and making them have all my memories? why can’t i just disappear and not exist any more? everyone would be better off without me anyway. my triggers are awful, it’s why i shouldn’t be out. shawn ashley said i should try writing in here instead, but i don’t know. i feel like everyone’s going to laugh at me and not believe me. i’m 10, by the way. people don’t understand why i’m so young and have so many ptsd triggers and stuff. i’ll tell you a secret. that’s when shawn ashley started to get ptsd symptoms that were intense and when she started to self injure herself. that’s why i am 10. shawn ashley said to list my triggers and that hopefully that will help me, but i think it will trigger me. i’m getting upset just thinking about it. i guess i’ll try it anyway. but you’ll just laugh anyway.

    • lilacs
    • elephants
    • the color red
    • water
    • handcuffs
    • the smell of bleach
    • cooking
    • anime
    • sex
    • seeing certain people such as stephen or riahl
    • rape
    • certain cologne-i won’t say the name
    • batman
    • certain places-no point telling all about them.
    • brooms
    • cigarettes
    • linkin park

    i know there’s more but i can’t think straight, i am triggered and trying not to think about it. i told her it was a bad idea. i want to find a knife and stab myself again. i need to go back inside. someone please pull me my heart is racing and i can’t stop shaking. no no no no no no. please, please, please! pull me!

    … Heart is racing… That didn’t go quite how I wanted it to…

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