April 13, 2012

• ... I realize that I haven't written in quite a long time...

  I don't really feel like I should apologize... I have been going through... A.. Hurricane if you will... A shit storm... Of well, shit.

  My life... Seems like it's been pulled out of a "paranoid are us" catalogue... 

  And as if I weren't somewhat aware... I have been experiencing... PTSD symptoms... I like confirmation... From people...  Who notice I suppose... It clicks in my subconscience being... That I am not certifiably insane... Just partially... Most of which I may or may not being doing to myself... 

  ... My PSTD didn't really need to be confirmed... As if that weren't obvious with my constant cutting... 2-3 hour "naps" so I can avoid REM sleep... So I don't have to dream... And a 5 day spree of being awake... Granted there are a few days here and there... Where I still don't sleep... But... I didn't really tell you that... Your mind... Made that sentence up dears... Yes it did.

  I stopped counting how many days it's been... Since I received a rather friendly package on my front steps... Or... How long it's really been since... My Urgent Care Abduction of sorts... The days... Seem like an endless timeline... Of dreams.. And thoughts... And images... That I can't quite push out of my mind... The River has been a lovely thought... Lately... I really need to go there...At least two more times... To feel some rather lovely disconnect from around me... Perhaps to even die... That would be the ultimate lovely ending... 

  I need to find someone... Neko that is... He birthed me... Made a piece of me... Into the computer genius that I am... It seems more important with every.. anonymous remote hack into my lovely computer... I am also getting more and more annoyed... With every conversation he has with people... He's crossed a line... And it needs to stop... And it needs to end quite quickly... I do have a plan in mind... It should be... Lovely... An adrenaline rush if you will... It will be exhilarating for me... Frightening for him... All I have to do is find him.... Hide and seek... Playtime... Is over Mr. Rogers. 

  I can feel the composed... Always patient... passive... Mask falling off... It's nice... To feel in control... My alter is appeased.. To let it out in the open if only for a very short temporary time span... It makes me wonder what other ones... Can be slipping... Hopefully only the ones I want to... The ones I directly control... There are other ones that will never come off... Let's hope it stays that way... I do after all... Have appearances and images to maintain... Only a few get to see the pieces behind the masks... Count your blessings.

  ... I think that is all...

  ... Demented Shawn Ashley is here for a while... Let's hope she doesn't stay.

  • 2:11 pm
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