June 6, 2013
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Nostalgia
I need this to be perfectly clear, love, the reason I am this way, is nothing you did… It is simply my own delusional belief… That we could make everything work even though, you have told me time and time again… That we will never be… What I want us to be… Despite both of our desires to want to be just… that… Together. Everyone… Has made it perfectly clear… Even your dear angel said… You never want to leave… But you never want to meet me either… I think I felt… A new stab… In my soul.. Even though… You’ve told me time and time again… It’s just that pang… Of reality… It burns a lot. I simply cannot understand.. How.. Caring about me… And loving me… Makes it so you want to be with me… But actually won’t ever be…. And on the other hand… If you hated me.. You’d be with me… Or you’d dump me and embarrass the living hell out of me… By Giving me what I would crave… And just use me up… And leave me cold… Regardless…
What I feel… Is not a result of what you have said… It’s because I am just that fucked up… Yes… Alright… So I feel.. Rejected… Because.. I want to know what it’s like to have that… feeling.. I want to know what it’s like to be loved no matter… What we go through… That everything will always and forever… Be the same… I want to feel that unconditional feeling… In reality. I would love to wake up next to you… Every single morning… Or night.. Whatever ridiculous schedule we would have… And know that no matter what… I am yours… That my whole being belongs to you… I want to be able to kiss you… And to see you smile… I want to see you happy. … So I suppose… When you say it will never be… Makes me feel that ultimate rejection… Because after all, I can also picture… Our life together… No matter the outcome… Because… I want to be happy with you… And it’s like you’re simply denying me… That one chance… Where we could both be truly happy together…
But… it’s because I am the broken… Little girl inside…And I can’t help but think… That it’s not happening… Because I did something wrong… That… Of course… It’s because Shawn Ashley.. Doesn’t deserve it… That… I am not good enough… That I just… Will never be able to be happy… Because… I’ve been told so many times… That I won’t be… And those that have made me “happy”… Were just the worst people for me… And I simply was not worth it… So I deserved all the hurt… That came with them… But reality is… I’ve never been happy… But.. then…
I see you… For what you are… In it’s entirety… Just looking at me… Almost in the face… And telling me… That I do… Deserve it… That I mean something… to you.. That you see me… That you understand… That you do love me… And a part of me… Starts to believe… And listen to it all…. I start to feel… Again.. I open up… The widest… I’ve ever been.. So.. Clear… So honest.. So much… Better… Like I can see after being so blind… For so long.. You have no idea… What you’ve done for me…. And I took you in… And I swallowed your soul… I wanted to be the girl, that changed your whole world… I wanted to be the one that would make you feel like you were worthy… Deserving… Just like all of the same exact things… That I so desperately craved… Because I know… love, that you do need someone… Who means that much to you… and you’ve told me… That I am it… I wanted to be the girl who could fill all of your voids… Plug all your holes… And really show you… What love is…
But the thought… Still is there… that.. No, love, we can’t be together… You can’t show me… I can’t show you… What that real love is like… Of course… It starts to consume me… And to eat me alive… I am not telling you this… to hurt you… I am telling you this, because I need you to know how I truly feel… So all those feelings… Of how worthless… Undeserving.. I am… Swell up.. And just keep growing… And I watch my own feelings… For you… destroy you… Time and time again… And it only makes my self hatred get stronger… Because… I hurt the one thing… That keeps me breathing.. the one thing… That I am alive for…. And I can’t deal with it… I simply cannot deal with it… And there it goes… You keep getting worse… Because I keep hurting myself… Because I am getting worse… Because of my feelings… And it hurts you… But I keep doing it all over again… Because I can’t deal with the fact that… I have hurt you… Yet again… And I keep punishing myself… And you keep getting hurt… By the fact that you think I am hurting because of you… And… I do it all over again… And we keep going… and going… And going… I don’t want to keep doing this… Until there’s nothing left of both of us… But I realize… I am simply crushed… And I can’t get over that realization… That there… Is no us… And never will be…
the truth still remains… However… that it’s nothing you did… It’s simply.. Because I feel too much… And I would rather feel all this pain… That I caused… From my own harsh reality… then continue to see you hurt… So if I have to… I will put a fake smile on my face… And tell you… I’m doing alright… For your sake… to keep you stable… to stop you from shattering… Into those pieces again… Because… if that’s what you need… To be happy… I will throw myself on a spike.. If it means… Not hurting you any longer… And since I know… You wouldn’t want me to do that… To keep you happy… My alternative.. Is to act like I am… So that you are…
So that’s what I’ll do… Even though.. I am sure.. I am going to end up going in the same never ending.. Vicious cycle… And I will further destroy myself… Because the reality will always remain… That I simply cannot live without you.. And… I don’t even have you… But those feelings are so intense… That it’s going to keep going this way… Until there’s nothing left of me… But for right now… I will hold on… Until I crack to the point where we all shatter… Only because… It’s what you need, love. I would never torture myself… In this way… For anyone else… So you need to know… How wonderful, gorgeous, and precious you are to me… I wish you could see it…. How I want you to see your worth… To me… That you are deserving… That people in this world… Care for you… Beyond belief … I want you to see it and realize… That you are worth that much.. And that you deserve anything you want in this world.. And all you’d have to do is reach for it… and claim it….Just like… I have tried… To do… I just wish… You’d return the favor…
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