i don’t know why, but i’ve been thinking so much about the warehouse lately. and then i remember all of those things that he did to me in the apartment. i want to get over it but it’s like all those bad things just won’t ever go away because they really do define me. i’m a bad person. i deserve everything that happened. those disgusting pigs just couldn’t keep their filthy hands off me and i’m a disgusting filthy whore. i’ve found myself crying in corners a lot lately. i want to hurt myself so bad, but it’s not my body. even though sammael is core, i can’t hurt sweet shawn ashley because it’s really her body. she hurts herself too sometimes. she’s gotten better lately. i wish i could be better. i don’t want to hurt her, but i just can’t live with all the flashbacks. and i’m alone in the dark room, crying, and no one comes to hug me, or to say it’s ok lily. it really must mean i deserved it. not just the one time in the apartment, but every single time those disgusting pigs laid their hands on me. i don’t know what to do. i can’t get over it, i can’t seem to live with it either. it’s getting worse. how does an alter with severe ptsd get over their ptsd without integrating with the core and making them have all my memories? why can’t i just disappear and not exist any more? everyone would be better off without me anyway. my triggers are awful, it’s why i shouldn’t be out. shawn ashley said i should try writing in here instead, but i don’t know. i feel like everyone’s going to laugh at me and not believe me. i’m 10, by the way. people don’t understand why i’m so young and have so many ptsd triggers and stuff. i’ll tell you a secret. that’s when shawn ashley started to get ptsd symptoms that were intense and when she started to self injure herself. that’s why i am 10. shawn ashley said to list my triggers and that hopefully that will help me, but i think it will trigger me. i’m getting upset just thinking about it. i guess i’ll try it anyway. but you’ll just laugh anyway.

• lilacs
• elephants
• the color red
• water
• handcuffs
• the smell of bleach
• cooking
• anime
• sex
• seeing certain people such as stephen or riahl
• rape
• certain cologne-i won’t say the name
• batman
• certain places-no point telling all about them.
• brooms
• cigarettes
• linkin park

i know there’s more but i can’t think straight, i am triggered and trying not to think about it. i told her it was a bad idea. i want to find a knife and stab myself again. i need to go back inside. someone please pull me my heart is racing and i can’t stop shaking. no no no no no no. please, please, please! pull me!

… Heart is racing… That didn’t go quite how I wanted it to…

OMG! I came back into the system because someone needed me and missed me! I pop out and guess who I see? My BEST FRIEND BLAZZZEEEE! I think I could die from happiness right now. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved Twinkle and everything, but Blaze is like my friend soul mate! I mean she was integrated with Twinkle, but it made her all different and stuff. I also don’t feel as attached to Twinkle any more. I kinda feel bad about that, but OMG! Blaze is back!! I don’t usually feel emotions, but I think I am actually happy, it’s slightly terrifying.

I need this to be perfectly clear, love, the reason I am this way, is nothing you did… It is simply my own delusional belief… That we could make everything work even though, you have told me time and time again… That we will never be… What I want us to be… Despite both of our desires to want to be just… that… Together. Everyone… Has made it perfectly clear… Even your dear angel said… You never want to leave… But you never want to meet me either… I think I felt… A new stab… In my soul.. Even though… You’ve told me time and time again… It’s just that pang… Of reality… It burns a lot. I simply cannot understand.. How.. Caring about me… And loving me… Makes it so you want to be with me… But actually won’t ever be…. And on the other hand… If you hated me.. You’d be with me… Or you’d dump me and embarrass the living hell out of me… By Giving me what I would crave… And just use me up… And leave me cold… Regardless…

What I feel… Is not a result of what you have said… It’s because I am just that fucked up… Yes… Alright… So I feel.. Rejected… Because.. I want to know what it’s like to have that… feeling.. I want to know what it’s like to be loved no matter… What we go through… That everything will always and forever… Be the same… I want to feel that unconditional feeling… In reality. I would love to wake up next to you… Every single morning… Or night.. Whatever ridiculous schedule we would have… And know that no matter what… I am yours… That my whole being belongs to you… I want to be able to kiss you… And to see you smile… I want to see you happy. … So I suppose… When you say it will never be… Makes me feel that ultimate rejection… Because after all, I can also picture… Our life together… No matter the outcome… Because… I want to be happy with you… And it’s like you’re simply denying me… That one chance… Where we could both be truly happy together…

But… it’s because I am the broken… Little girl inside…And I can’t help but think… That it’s not happening… Because I did something wrong… That… Of course… It’s because Shawn Ashley.. Doesn’t deserve it… That… I am not good enough… That I just… Will never be able to be happy… Because… I’ve been told so many times… That I won’t be… And those that have made me “happy”… Were just the worst people for me… And I simply was not worth it… So I deserved all the hurt… That came with them…  But reality is… I’ve never been happy… But.. then…

I see you… For what you are… In it’s entirety… Just looking at me… Almost in the face…  And telling me… That I do… Deserve it… That I mean something… to you.. That you see me… That you understand… That you do love me… And a part of me… Starts to believe… And listen to it all…. I start to feel… Again.. I open up… The widest… I’ve ever been.. So.. Clear… So honest.. So much… Better… Like I can see after being so blind… For so long.. You have no idea… What you’ve done for me…. And I took you in… And I swallowed your soul… I wanted to be the girl, that changed your whole world… I wanted to be the one that would make you feel like you were worthy… Deserving… Just like all of the same exact things… That I so desperately craved… Because I know… love, that you do need someone… Who means that much to you… and you’ve told me… That I am it… I wanted to be the girl who could fill all of your voids… Plug all your holes… And really show you… What love is…

But the thought… Still is there… that.. No, love, we can’t be together… You can’t show me…  I can’t show you… What that real love is like… Of course… It starts to consume me… And to eat me alive… I am not telling you this… to hurt you… I am telling you this, because I need you to know how I truly feel… So all those feelings… Of how worthless… Undeserving.. I am… Swell up.. And just keep growing… And I watch my own feelings… For you… destroy you… Time and time again… And it only makes my self hatred get stronger… Because… I hurt the one thing… That keeps me breathing.. the one thing… That I am alive for…. And I can’t deal with it… I simply cannot deal with it… And there it goes… You keep getting worse… Because I keep hurting myself… Because I am getting worse… Because of my feelings… And it hurts you… But I keep doing it all over again… Because I can’t deal with the fact that… I have hurt you… Yet again… And I keep punishing myself… And you keep getting hurt… By the fact that you think I am hurting because of you… And… I do it all over again… And we keep going… and going… And going… I don’t want to keep doing this… Until there’s nothing left of both of us… But I realize… I am simply crushed… And I can’t get over that realization… That there… Is no us… And never will be…

the truth still remains… However… that it’s nothing you did… It’s simply.. Because I feel too much… And I would rather feel all this pain… That I caused… From my own harsh reality… then continue to see you hurt… So if I have to… I will put a fake smile on my face… And tell you… I’m doing alright… For your sake… to keep you stable… to stop you from shattering… Into those pieces again… Because… if that’s what you need… To be happy… I will throw myself on a spike.. If it means… Not hurting you any longer… And since I know… You wouldn’t want me to do that… To keep you happy… My alternative.. Is to act like I am… So that you are…

So that’s what I’ll do… Even though.. I am sure.. I am going to end up going in the same never ending.. Vicious cycle… And I will further destroy myself… Because the reality will always remain… That I simply cannot live without you.. And… I don’t even have you… But those feelings are so intense… That it’s going to keep going this way… Until there’s nothing left of me… But for right now… I will hold on… Until I crack to the point where we all shatter… Only because… It’s what you need, love. I would never torture myself… In this way… For anyone else… So  you need to know… How wonderful, gorgeous, and precious you are to me… I wish you could see it…. How I want you to see your worth… To me… That you are deserving… That people in this world… Care for you… Beyond belief … I want you to see it and realize… That you are worth that much.. And that you deserve anything you want in this world.. And all you’d have to do is reach for it… and claim it….Just like… I have tried… To do… I just wish… You’d return the favor…

I don’t see what the big deal is, people. We had to do it, to survive, even if for a short while. All of you keep fucking bitching and complaining. There’s an obvious reason as to why she failed as a core. I mean, look at her. She cannot even piece herself together for longer than 10 minutes before she explodes. She can’t handle it.There is something very essential missing. It’s called strength.

Little Princess Shawn Ashley has gotten weak because she went and fell in love with someone and they went and rejected her because they don’t feel “worthy” of her, or something totally ridiculous. What is boils down to is they are making excuses because they don’t really love her and they don’t want to break her poor fragile bleeding heart. She shouldn’t have loved anyone anyway. I told her time and time again that it would only destroy her. Love is for the weak. I hope she sees it now. Hael was always considered the “genius” in the system. Well, “genius”, how did our integration work out? You should have left me out, I was main before all of this hooklah. We would have been a lot better, dim wit. Not like it matters, Sammael has you, and all of your energy, with the core energy. We’re all fucked anyway. We’re on a shit ton of borrowed time.

Sammael is great, in a lot of ways, he’s like the perfect, strong core, but at the same time, he’s a fucking jack ass. Our system will end up dying. Trust me, we know what we’re talking about and all of her friends are just in some stupor like “Oh no, this can’t be happening; not to me.” Listen, bitches, this isn’t about you, okey dokey? Great, you became an idiot and decided to care and like her or something stupid, but it’s still not about you because you can’t accept reality. I don’t want the system to die, that means a lot of things for us. We would become catatonic. There’s no coming back from that.

But with rejection comes a lot of intense feelings, I guess. Or something? I have no idea, Apparently so, otherwise we wouldn’t have a demon running around our head. Not only is he destroying our system, he really has effectively destroyed our lives by destroying our system. It’s very obvious that we can’t survive without Princess Shawn Ashley, and at the rate she keeps exploding from instability, we won’t be around much longer.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. She’s probably try to kill me if I just said all of this. She’s never this open nor are the other pussy alters. They are all worried about “perception” or something retarded. Who cares! We’re alters. Fragment pieces broken off from the core. Get used to it, or get over it and move on.

-Blaze

I love Red from Skyler's system:

    "Penguins keep breaking into my bar.

     Fuck you, drunk ass birds. Get out of the whiskey."

The system is falling apart in front of his eyes and he's worried about his Jack Daniels and Southern Comfort in a bar...In his head... He makes me smile.

Then cue asexual Sirius who absorbed Oscar and ended up with an erection:

    "How do normal men handle erections?
    I don't know what to do with it."

I reply with something that goes like "There's a saying... It goes something like... Jacking off with Jergens. His reply:

    "Are you suggesting I masturbate?
    That is disgusting!"

I simply cannot live without them... They make me smile and laugh... In my darkest hours... 

... I love them too much for my own good... And apparently... They love me too much for theirs.. I am after all, part of the reason why the system is crumbling to begin with.

... We're either perfectly bad for each other.. Or badly perfect... I don't know which... But... I like to believe we're perfect for each other.. In our beautiful, broken and fucked up ways...