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  • Hello, Tory

    Daddy dearest's alter Tory... Has been out and about... It's rather alarming with how sweet he is being to me... I don't like it... I think it means... What Bradley told me... Is true.

    "I HAVE BEEN REAL BUSY SOMEONE BROKEN INTO MY - E MAIL
    AND SENDING OUT 100S OF FAKE RESUMES,MOST COME BACK AS FAILURE
    BUT ALOT HAS BEEN SENT OUT -OUCH ANYWAY I DON'T WONT TO DUMP ON YOU.
    ANYWAY I RECEIVED A PACKAGE TODAY IS IT FROM YOU, THEY WENT IN MY PAY PAL ACCOUNT ALSO-, HOPE IS IT FROM YOU.
    HOPE YOUR TAKING CARE. YOUR ON FACEBOOK ACCOUNT, EMAIL ANY TIME. AT _____ ITS SECURE OR FACEBOOK OR WHATEVER.
    I HAVE KIND OF MOODY SINCE I HAD MY BIKE STOLEN THE FIRST DAY I BOUGHT IT. AND I WAS ROBBED OF MY WALLET WITH ALL MY IDS AND HAWAII DRIVERS LICENSE. BUT EVERY THING IS WELL SE LA VEE "SUCH IS LIFE".
    HOPE YOUR NOT TO BUSY BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE HANG IN THERE IM HERE ANY TIME FOR YOU YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL
    TORY"

    Normally... Tory rambles on about... Running marathons, eating weird food, and about how so and so robbed them this week... Or tried to beat the shit out of them or something... Never anything sentimental... It's always about Tory... Never about anyone else. 

    .. I am getting a strong urge.. To go to San Francisco to go find them... I want the truth... I refuse to believe Michael... My sweet... Real.. Father.. Is dead... Reality is... I am delusional.

    ... He probably is... Hence why I am stuck with Tory and Bradley instead of Chamber... Which makes me wonder what happened to Chamber... He was a dick.. But at least he was a mellow version of Bradley... I kind of miss him... Kind of... 

    I need to figure this out... Any other person... Would say forget it.. But... they don't understand... 

    ... I hate it.. I wish they did understand.

  • Thanksgiving

    The little boy, Tristan has DID. Rick James said that Nutty Mom has been abusing the fuck out of him. He was a little devil child. When he was on time out, a very emotional alter came out and he self punished himself. Then we got the core, Tristan and one more very nice overly polite alter. Poor boy. Twinkle was rather upset. I think the whole family was. He is only 5.

    On a happier note Ter is getting frustrated with me. I keep eating frozen cookie dough out of the freezer. I also ate all of the pringles, cheezits and anything else that is normal in this damn house. Twinkle would be happy, there's all kinds of healthy shit in the fridge. Ter constantly sighs at me. She gave up trying to boss me around.

    "You know, you and her could be evil twin sisters."

    "Yeah she's the overly serious boring one and I am the fun one without a conscience."

    Ter is crazy, she deserves to suffer through with me for a little bit. She even asked where the crazy one is that started to bust out cleaning supplies to off herself. Crazy Leena. She was fun. We don't miss her. Ter would rather deal with her than me. She even asked where Clint was. He pulled me. It was loads of fun.


    "Bitch, tell them what I am thankful for. Guns, spicks, Marlboro Reds, and Jack Daniels. I ain't thankful for no 911 like that one Asian bitch on the TV. She's the reason why this country is going to shit. Nevermind that nigger Obama, bitch should have left her 10 kids in China and she should go back there and continue putting those rats, dogs and cats all into that shitty Chinese food. Those god damned fucks will eat anything. Never eat no Chinese food. That's what I am thankful for, Americanized god damned Chinese food."

    I ain't thankful for anything. When you're as emotionless as I am, you just don't give a fuck about anything. I asked Twinkle what she's thankful for.

    "I am thankful for all the cliches in the book. I really mean that too, I am thankful for all the cliches. Add in green tea, honey and any dove skin products you can think of. 

    Yeah. So that's it. I ain't spending all day talking on here.

    -Haven

  • I feel like I should write something for my Twinkle. She has been highly neglectful of her writing abilities lately. 

    She spent weeks wondering if her dear friend, May Flower was alive or dead. We found out she was alive, so she felt some sort of happiness. I don't think she remembers what happiness feels like. It's been a while. At least she smiles and laughs more. It's because of her Lover Boy. 

    Twinkle knows what it's like to feel finally. She is in love with someone. Problem is, she can't have him. I don't know what's worse, never knowing love, or having it and suffering without it. I will go with the obvious second choice. Being in love and suffering because you can't have it is much worse. To know what something feels like and to have it snatched away is torture all on it's own.

    Texas has been interesting. People from the past always walk back into the picture and have a tendency to fuck up everything for you. That is what it was like for us at the end of June and that is what it is right now. I have worked very hard to repress certain memories for the sake of my Twinkle, and some idiot comes into the picture and fucks it all up. 

    We have two more months left in this hell hole, Texas. We are moving back to the snow. She says either Chicago or back in Minneapolis. I hope she moves to Chicago. We need a break. She will likely stay in Minneapolis, because she is crazy. I will work hard to convince her otherwise. 

    Our hair smells like Christmas and flowers. I don't know if that's a good idea or not.

    Twinkle is busy having a mental breakdown. Who knows when she will be back. I don't like going to clinic for her. I don't know all the useless junk she does. Coloring body parts in is fun. Talking about physics and all the junk is not. I just smile and nod. That's what normal people do, right?

    That is all.

    -Haven

  • RIP ZLC...

    ... 8 years... Is an eternity.

  • Month 5

    I haven't written... In ages... Yes.. I am still alive... 

    I have decided... To share with you some of my "journal" entries for my final project due at the end of my internship. 

    ... I write one basically every month to say what I have been doing... I'll include them here so you can read what I have been doing for the past 5 months... And how I have been progressing... I feel I should apologize for my lack of posts.. The past... 2-3 months... Has been interesting in too many ways. 

    _____

    Entry 1

    This is my first month at         Cancer Center in Dallas, Texas. Another student and I started at the same time. Usually they start students on treatment machines, or their nurse rotation. I am in CT simulation. The first week has been getting familiar with setting up patients for their future treatments. You have to know what you’re treating, what the doctor wants in regards to exactrac and be mindful of what the patients are capable of doing.
    The second week of my rotation, I went to nurse’s week. It was interesting to sit in on some of the physical exams. Dr. S pointed out the cervix and where exactly the brachytherapy tandem is being placed and where it is treating. It was also interesting to sit in on the doctors with their various patients to tell them it’s going well or not so well and what they can do to manage their side effects differently. It helped me learn what is most likely a radiation side effect versus a chemotherapy side effect. So far, my first month has been going very well.

    *****

    Entry 2

    I finished my CT simulation and nurse week rotation. At this point, I am currently trying to find a patient to do my case study on. Hyperthermia seems interesting since there are not many cancer centers which offer it. All of the patients I have simulated have been supine patients. I was hoping that I would see some prone patients so I could see how the belly board works and how the set ups would be performed. I am sure I will see some prone setups later on when I treat on the IX machine.
    I started my treatment machine journey and I am excited! I feel like I am headed on the path of a therapist now with really interacting with patients and getting to see all the work I did in CT come together. I started working with the console on day 2 of being on the EX machine. They mainly treat breast and palliative patients on this machine. It has been a good experience getting to know setups better on this machine. Hopefully it will continue to go well.

    *****

    Entry 3

    I am finishing up my second month on the EX machine. The clinical supervisor told me that I am going to moving machines to the IX soon. They primarily do head and neck, and pelvic cancers. I am going to be sad to leave the EX machine. The therapists J and F have made it relaxing and enjoyable. The patients on this machine are so uplifting and positive it really reaffirms coming to clinic every day and that what I do is worth it.
    I have experienced a few patients dying on this machine. It was quite an emotional shock because you find yourself getting attached to patients when you ask about their weekend plans, what they do for work, about their kids etc. and see them decline and have the hope for them that they will get better and somehow pull through for just a little bit longer.
    On a happier note, I did a whole patient setup by myself with moving the patient, setting up the SSD, the whole 9 yards. F was very pleased with me. He was dealing with a scheduling conflict and I already called the patient back and she was on the table. Instead of waiting and having the patient uncomfortable, I got the patient setup and right as I was about to have him come check it, he came in. He counted it as my second check. It was very enlightening.

    *****

    Entry 4

    Well I just started the IX machine. I think this is my first week over here. They primarily do head and neck cases, with pelvic and abdomen cancers. I think about half of the cases are head and neck. We do not treat any palliative cases on this machine, that seems reserved solely for the EX machine. We may get a few if the EX is overscheduled.
    The one thing I have found difficult about this machine is getting to know the console and this new thing called exactrac. Exactrac takes pictures from two kvp tubes at 45 degree angles and compares them to the DRR from dosimetry to make sure we are treating where we need to be. It overlays the two images and you can shift between the two to see how far you off. The couch will automatically move itself. It is difficult some times to see the difference because the gantry may be in the picture, you can see the tennis racket and because of the oblique angles, it makes it hard to decipher. Hopefully with time it will get better.
    I also started cutting blocks. Those darn things like to leak all over the table because the table itself will warp. It is stressful when you are sitting there thinking it will be okay and a few minutes later you can hear it leaking. You have to basically block the leaking cerrobend off so it doesn’t go everywhere and wait for it to ruin the perfect block you just cut and redo it. It’s time consuming and irritating. Hopefully it will go better down the road.

    *****

    Entry 5 (this month's)

    I will be starting my sixth week on the IX machine. I have become much more comfortable using the exactrac and reading the kvp images on the screen. It seems second nature now. All of the head and neck cases use exactrac for their treatment, unless it is a Dr. S patient. Usually, Dr. C gets all the head and neck cases. Dr. S is known to do gynecological cases. I would say 80% of all head and necks get ethyol. No one has ever finished going through their whole treatment with taking it. The side effects are pretty intense for these patients. I don’t envy them.
    My case study patient just finished her treatment a few weeks ago. She was a MALT lymphoma case which is a more rare type of cancer. She was a very nice and seems to have a good prognosis. I wish her well. I don’t want to discuss her much here because I will be writing a big case study paper on her soon. I don’t want to give too much away.
    My block cutting has gotten much better. They seldom leak. I find it more relaxing in the block room and will use my time there to throw on some music while I cut and make sure my blocks aren’t leaking all over the table. I have not cut one photon block. MLC pretty much takes care of that now. Most of the blocks I cut are for breast boosts and Internal Mammary Chains.
    I am looking forward to going to the trilogy hopefully by the end of this week. They get a lot of specialty cases. B was the first student to be allowed to go on the trilogy. I think she opened the door for us. It will be exciting since they do SBRT gated lung, SRS brain and body and TBI cases.

    ______

    That is all I have for you.

    116 days and counting.

  • DID/MPD

    I am reminded... Why I don't log into xanga any longer... I see topics such as "rape joke." As if... That is something in which you joke about.

     

    I have felt a particular itch to start writing... On here... I have a lot on my mind... And I feel like I have been... locked in a cage.

    Of course... I have been... In a very conscious... Mental one. This is a topic for another posting altogether.

    A pattern has begun to unfold in front of my eyes... Yet... I can't seem to grasp the totality in which it means... I find myself lacking the means to do so... 

    I noticed... People whom I am closest to lately... Have been overprotective... Of me.... I have no idea what it means... Why they care enough... Why they waste their time... Yes, I am special.

    Something... Like that... Yet it all seems very redundant... Very... Pointless and mostly unwarranted. 

    I have trouble focusing.... 

     

    My life... Seems like a movie... I wish I were capable of lying... And I wish I could say that all my experiences which I have been through are some make believe imagination of an attention deprived... Young adult... But it's not... I feel like most of you would like to believe... I am that capable... 

    I am not...

     

    I witnessed.. Dissociative Personality Disorder (Multiple Personalities) in action... Multiple times [no pun intended]... 

    I lived with it.

    He was my father.

    Recently... I have been blessed with knowing someone else with it... 

    ... And finally... I have come to grips with accepting it... Within myself.

    It still doesn't change.. How absolutely alone I feel. 

  • This is it.

    I can't truly write this and mean it... As much as a I really want to say:

    I have missed this place.

    I feel it would be a lie... 

     

    I have not read a single blog in months... I have lost interest. It seems the world... Has stopped waiting on me... To piece myself back together. 

    ... I cannot blame it.

     

    There's a vast emptiness which I yearn to fill... I have realized... In the past... 5 months or so that it's impossible to fill any of the voids I want to... 

    I have come to some realization that I just need to accept that my issues will always be apart of me... And always there... Just below the surface.

     

    There's no point in me writing this... I doubt any of you still read this... Nor really care.... 

     

    There's always that thought in the back of my head... That no one really cares... People are always more interested in the problems of people... And the drama it gives them... The fulfillment of solving someone's problem... Than really caring about the person it came from... 

    I really wish... All my problems could be whisked away... And perhaps swept under the rug... Yet... They're always right there... Forever waiting... One after the next... Exponentially waiting... And testing me.

    Quite frankly.. [I.Have.Given.Up]

     

    For those of you who have commented and kept me in your brief thoughts from time to time... Thank you.

    ... It hasn't been forgotten.

    Unlike me.

    Keep writing... Keep living... Keep breathing... 

    ... Keep being beautiful.

  • "Play time is over, Blaze."

    ... And that is when I start screaming... 

  • "There's a hole in the world with a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit. And the vermin of the world inhabit it, but not for looong!...We all deserve to die... Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief. For the rest of us death will be a relief." - Sweeney Todd

  • Sienna hates the dogs that bark in the apartment. I think I have seen her a total of 3 hours since I have moved in nearly 5 days ago.

    Clinical is uneventful... I am supposed to spend close to 180 hours on CT sim... If I tell R., to show me the buttons, and how to move the table, I can have my comps done next week.... It's that simple.

    Why 9mo of this hell?... Honestly?

    I hate it here...

    There's only so many vegetables and fruits I can chop up and shove in the freezer before my mind runs wild and free..

    I can't work... the hours of going to clinical and to a job is nearly impossible... That's okay though... 

    Because..

    I love my bath tub

    We shall be best friends by the time I get out of here.... That I promise.

    ... I haven't hung up any of my artwork on my walls... The whole huge portfolio sits in a closet... I haven't even turned the doorknob to go in there... It can stay there for all I care.

    I am afraid to walk around the corner to throw my garbage down the trash chute... I don't know who... I will encounter... No, it's not the social anxiety... It's much deeper than that. 

    I am pretty sure I hate this... 

    I say... Let's end it all... And be done with all of this nonsense. 

    This thing you call life.


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