Month: December 2012

  • I had a mock interview with my clinic sup... Jack the Ruler Nazi... To prepare me for real world interviews... As if I needed assistance in that department... 

    But anyway... He told me my resume was the best he has ever seen by a student... And that he has heard nothing but positive things from the whole staff regarding me.. And my work ethics... Etc... Which is a total polar opposite of what he's heard about Berta... Which just made me smile... A tiny bit... I can't have smile lines... My friends.. I would look old... Speaking of that... Just a small tangent.. I asked some lady how old she thought I was... And she said 20... That was the best thing I ever heard in my life... in less than.. 8 months... I will be... 27... God help us all.

    Anyway... Jack said, if there was a job opening he would be hiring me on the spot... 

    Fletcher is currently applying for different therapy jobs... And Jack said if he left, he would still extend a job offer to me... 

    A starting 55k salary isn't awful... And I adore everyone at the site... With the exception of Blake... 

    ... However... I have been holding on to this ideal... That I only have... 28 days left in the hell hole otherwise known as Texas... And I cannot wait to escape the reaches of... Total depression... And get the fuck out of there... this notion... Is keeping me alive... 

    ... I don't know if a job offer... And a decent income... Is worth 3 years of torture... I think not...

    I would rather keep looking and kindly decline... 

    I however... Thought I would let you all know... That something positive is happening... On that front... 

    The negative is that... Daddy dearest greeted me yesterday.... When I arrived to mother's... It of course was not Michael, Chamber or Tory... I got stuck with the real pistol... Bradley.

    I wish he'd magically just... Disappear... But I need him... Yet again... This is my payment... For yet another... BMT... To keep me alive for what reason again?... I keep forgetting... Someone said, "So you don't die." ... I'd rather die... Because there's really nothing left... And I stay here... To keep everyone else happy... Because they seem convinced they like or love me... I doubt they even know why... They do... But that's why I am here... Because they claim they need me... I'd rather just... Let go... 

    Anyway... Merry Christmas... Happy New Year... Mazel Tov... Happy Hanukkah... Happy Kwanzaa... Whatever you celebrate.

    ... Remember why you are here... Smile... And keep breathing.

  • Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder

    I really should be packing for my trip... But instead... I felt it... Very necessary to explain something to those of you who read me... But do not interact with me on a daily level... 

    I was diagnosed with DID/MPD when I was young... So yes, I have alter personalities... And I feel I should tell you who my alters are... And give you some vocabulary words... For you to understand what it precisely is... I am not asking you to believe what I tell you... A lot of people... Especially health professionals believe DID/MPD to be a myth... And you are entitled to believe what you want... But I am going to talk about it anyway... And you can take away from this... Whatever you would like.

    DID as I like to call it... is usually a disorder in small children caused by abuse that they have experienced or witnessed... It causes them to dissociate into different personalities as a coping mechanism to deal with the trauma... The original person... Who has split is called the core. They are the born person.. The person who existed before dissociation... Anyone else who has split off the core, or off of each other, are alters

    Alters... Will hold specific memories.. Of trauma... And will protect the core in different ways... Whether it be emotional hurt or physical hurt... They are different parts to what the core is... 

    The core can be made whole again through a process called integration.. Where memories, feelings etc. Are shared and the alter and the core become one again. 

    Alters can be merged with other alters... It is basically an integration between alters.

    I am Shawn Ashley, I am the core.

    I have two alters who know everything there is to know about the system... Their names are Sophia and Hael. Hael does the splitting and merging of alters. He is basically like God in the system.

    Alessia is an alter who came out the most when I was younger. She comes out when she feels I am not able to handle day to day stuff. She used to be a gatekeeper. A gatekeeper is an alter who controls who takes over the front and is out. She is 34.

    Haven is like Alessia, she has no emotions and cannot feel pain. She comes out when she feels people are not caring, or when she thinks someone is trying to manipulate me. She also comes out during extreme physical hurt. She likes to nickname everyone. My nickname is Twinkle. She is 15.

    Clint is another alter who comes out to protect me. He is crazy… And he also likes hurting me… We have a love/hate relationship. He is 21.

    Gabriel is the little (child) in my system. He knows how I am feeling when I don’t and will come out when I am usually sad or upset about something. He is 6.

    Platypus is another little in my system. He is a split off of Clint and will come out when he thinks I want something. Plato is 7.

    Kiko has PTSD and OCD and comes out when the apartment is a total disaster or if she thinks I will be triggered.. Problem with Kiko is… She thinks that she feels dirty and has a horrible habit of drinking bleach to try and clean our insides… She is 30.

    And lastly, there’s Angel. She’s new. I haven’t figured out what her purpose is, but she came from Haven and a little bit of me.

    So, I hope that answered some questions that may or may not have been floating around in your head... And feel free to ask me questions... I may or may not answer them.

    @ancient_scribe

  • Twinkle is dead.

  • magnum

    Not only did I magically acquire pop tarts but I have found double chocolate caramel magnum ice cream bars.

    Twinkle and I are sharing it. 

    It's 340 calories of pure fat ass guilt.

    I don't get what she's complaining about it's delicious.

    Remind me not to eat dinner tonight.

    I am eating those jalapeno poppers for a snack.

    What jalapeno poppers?

    You're not gonna eat for a week. It's Christmas. Everyone gets fat and then they all say they are going to go to the gym to work off their fat. It never happens. You'll just not eat for a day and we'll magically lose 10 lbs. 

    I want to put a pop tart in the toaster and tape the lever down. Only the strawberry ones will work. We could have a pop tart induced bonfire.

    We're going to the pool to start a forest fire.

  • Mother and I had a lovely conversation about relationships today... I am happy she realizes I will do whatever it is I want to do... It only took a quarter of a century for her to realize it. 

    ... It's a pity... I can't have what I want... I never get what I want.. Truly a pity... For what I want is... Perfection.

    It is nice... To more or less... Have her blessing... To do... Whatever it is I want to do... Quite a long ways.. From the days... Where I couldn't even dial a friend... On the home phone... Without Chamber... Throwing a hissy fit and listening to every conversation... Or read... Every single email... And message I received through keylogging.

    It's short lived, now they are talking about daddy dearest and Ter is rambling on about how he is sick. Twinkle said even when he wasn't "sick" he still did bad things. Ter got defensive. Twinkle's all irritated now. 

    I want a naked picture of my future lover. I should remind myself by writing on Twinkle's arm in marker to ask him for a naked picture. 

    platypus wants a guinea pig. send me guinea pig!

    i want to go swimming. but sa says its cold outside. mommy said i would get sa sick and sa doesnt need to be sick. sa is afraid of the pool. i want to eat ice cream and cake. i want my own guinea pig. i dont want to share with platypus.

    i just want that hot asian pussy.

    Etsy is going to move soon. I am absolutely dreading the fact that she wants to opt for being homeless. I should bake her some cookies. I do not like Etsy being so stressed. 

    core is a pussy ass cunt anyway.

    I just want to clean the apartment.

    no one cares what you want, bitch.

    I do not want people to know I exist.

    I ain't asking Hael to write. He might kill me.


    i am going to build a snow castle. sa is the ice princess. she can live in my snow castle with my guinea pig.

    Doll, we are not getting a guinea pig and it will not live in a snow castle. It would die. 

    Enough talking.

  • Hello, Tory

    Daddy dearest's alter Tory... Has been out and about... It's rather alarming with how sweet he is being to me... I don't like it... I think it means... What Bradley told me... Is true.

    "I HAVE BEEN REAL BUSY SOMEONE BROKEN INTO MY - E MAIL
    AND SENDING OUT 100S OF FAKE RESUMES,MOST COME BACK AS FAILURE
    BUT ALOT HAS BEEN SENT OUT -OUCH ANYWAY I DON'T WONT TO DUMP ON YOU.
    ANYWAY I RECEIVED A PACKAGE TODAY IS IT FROM YOU, THEY WENT IN MY PAY PAL ACCOUNT ALSO-, HOPE IS IT FROM YOU.
    HOPE YOUR TAKING CARE. YOUR ON FACEBOOK ACCOUNT, EMAIL ANY TIME. AT _____ ITS SECURE OR FACEBOOK OR WHATEVER.
    I HAVE KIND OF MOODY SINCE I HAD MY BIKE STOLEN THE FIRST DAY I BOUGHT IT. AND I WAS ROBBED OF MY WALLET WITH ALL MY IDS AND HAWAII DRIVERS LICENSE. BUT EVERY THING IS WELL SE LA VEE "SUCH IS LIFE".
    HOPE YOUR NOT TO BUSY BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE HANG IN THERE IM HERE ANY TIME FOR YOU YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL
    TORY"

    Normally... Tory rambles on about... Running marathons, eating weird food, and about how so and so robbed them this week... Or tried to beat the shit out of them or something... Never anything sentimental... It's always about Tory... Never about anyone else. 

    .. I am getting a strong urge.. To go to San Francisco to go find them... I want the truth... I refuse to believe Michael... My sweet... Real.. Father.. Is dead... Reality is... I am delusional.

    ... He probably is... Hence why I am stuck with Tory and Bradley instead of Chamber... Which makes me wonder what happened to Chamber... He was a dick.. But at least he was a mellow version of Bradley... I kind of miss him... Kind of... 

    I need to figure this out... Any other person... Would say forget it.. But... they don't understand... 

    ... I hate it.. I wish they did understand.

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