... Abrupt ending...

You know... I want to write something... Yet I just don't feel like I can... With it having some meaning?

*****

I am just going to crawl back into this shell that I used to have... It's rather freightening to actually talk to people I think....

It took me nearly 9 months to start talking to the people I work with... I have been there for 1 year and 7 months. All I hear from my co-workers these days are "You are the sweetest thing I have ever met." And they want to know my life story... 

There's this one woman I work with... Her name is Jain (Jane) and she has been through pretty much everything I have been through with the exception of a few overly traumatic things which only less then 4 people really do know about... She is convinced she is going to be my guardian or something... She told me that once school starts I am to tell her about anyone asking me to pick up shifts or trade with them. She said I am to get her approval first. If she says no, then she will be telling them no for me. She told me I am too busy pleasing people to make them happy that I don't know how to say no. She's rather right. She also said that if people cannot accept my no answers and not want to talk to me or be friends with me that they aren't my true friends. She is also rather right. She finally went forward and told me that I am like a little girl. I have a very deep innocence about me and someone needs to help take care of me. Perhaps she is right... I am not sure on that one. I was raised to take care of myself since I was the only child... I am sure I can take care of myself for the most part.

Most people say I am too complicated complex to understand... I always told them... That they aren't taking the time to really listen. I told her this exact thing and she said, "You have to be the easiest person to understand." Is that really so? She has been talking to me outside of work for about 2 weeks now and she knows me better than some of my best friends. I am really unsure as to how I feel about that. There are other people who do read this blog which I feel know far too much about me for my comfort level.. And I don't know what to do about it except to crawl into my shell and lock away the key... Hopefully to never speak to them again. That would be rather comforting for me... Likely highly uncomfortable for them. 

I find a deep comfort in solitude.. And being alone.. Most would likely find it unhealthy... I find it peaceful. I am very introverted... My mother told me I always have been... Even when I was a little girl... Before unspeakable things could have possibly molded me... It still hasn't really changed with one small huge exception:

I yearn for that social interaction.

Yet it really must be on my terms... In my control... Otherwise... I don't know how to react... How to gauge... It's rather a frightening concept for me... To talk to other people. I often sit in silence... Or read a book... Or just sit outside gazing into... Nothingness... It's a complete composite of who I am to want to be the sociable person... I've also crossed my own lines which I say never to cross when it comes to talking to people and for some reason.. I have been crossing every single one... My immediate panic is to start pruning the list... To get rid of those who know... The new self... Is asking the old self... "Why?"

I don't know why.

It just has to happen.

*****

And so it will.

I would like to point out that Osama Bin Laden's death happened on the same day as the commemoration of the 6 million people who died in the Holocaust.

Seems like it was fated to happen yesterday.

*****

On another note, I think it's ridiculous that as a country we are celebrating the death of a person regardless of how heinous his crimes were and you should truly be ashamed of yourselves for having absolutely no regard for humility and humanity.

And yes, I am glad the fucker is dead too.

Reality is however that this isn't the end of terrorism. There is still terrorism happening and some other radical will just take his place, come into power, and start the cycle over. We should still pray for our troops and our country because we likely have an even bigger bullseye on our backs now.

*****

Utah.

I really should have just stayed offline tonight... But yet... Hindsight is always 20/20 for such things... And I often ignore what my conscience tells me to do... Especially when it comes to being online... There's some void that always feels like it needs to be filled... It just never does...

It's a rather deja vu moment for me... I embark on my trip tomorrow... A part of me questions whether I will really return... I intend to... But I can't help but make comparisons to what happened to the best person I have never known... It's much like the parallelness to what happened before Zachary left.. He pissed off all those people who meant something to him before he left... Logged off with unresolved issues... Went on his trip and died... Never to have those issues worked out... And always leaving those last words spoken forever engrained in people's memories...

It's just a deja vu moment... because I won't be coming back online... After this post... cell phone will be at home... With the rest of me.. It's just me and my car (Fiona), ipod and a few change of clothes.

I am truly sorry for upsetting you... And not being there... When you needed it... I really wish you would just have said you were upset... Or acknowledged that I said I was the wrong person to talk to on such a topic... Or that I just stopped talking... Set aside my thoughts... I am not making excuses... I should have stayed offline... I was upset and irritated before I even came on... Always dealing with my own issues it seems... I should make more time for others... When they need me...

I am sorry... Truly.

If I come back... Perhaps we can work it out then... Assuming you even want to...

Chicago today (4/25) perhaps I'll be there for a few days...

Some place in Utah (5/3)

Some place in California 8 hours later... (5/3)

... And then I don't know....

We'll see... I have 6 days before I need to be home...

*****

Don't worry about me... truly... I need this...

Likely too much to ask for...

I am rather in love with this song... I was thinking of making a cover of it... But I don't think so...

The 27th of every month... Is a ritual to me... Only 4 people know I do this... But only 3 of them know why.

This month... The 27th is coming early.

I took a shower this morning... It took 2 hours... Before they came to drag me out.

I am still not clean... Not even close.

I remember when I was afraid to eat around him... I had to sneak food... When he would take a bath... I would use my bath tub's hot water to make Ramen noodles.

He used to call me a whore... All the time.

Even though I was that innocent child... Where nothing has ever touched me.

I want her back... 

There used to be a time of happiness... Of feelings... Of life... 

But not now.

I can't get his scent and his sins off of me... 

Keaira, I am sorry he did this to you.

He took it all from us... 

And I am still trying to pick up the pieces...

 Tiny...

         Little pieces...

                                  Dust....

I won't ever find them all.

I think... It's time for me to truly disappear... If not for a week or two... For a month. I enjoyed the whole day or two away from the internet and my cell phone... I think I would be rather ecstatic to have a few weeks... And just leave my cell phone at home...

I really need this... I need... Time away from people telling me what to do... People who want to understand my actions and people who don't get my answers when I try to tell them... I just need to be away from people... I need time to think about things... And I mean really think about things.. Not just touch the surface... I need to get to the bottom of the black pit and think about the things which I refuse to even attempt to think about... I just need to. I can't do it at home... I can't even do it within a day... I just need time... Lots of it... And lots of it away from everyone.

I want to think about lilacs... Zachary... Father... Halloween and May... Without having to be afraid of them. I seriously need this... I need to be fixed.... To feel... To be myself... I have been hiding... I don't even know who I am any more... The person you talk to on AIM or even read here on Xanga... Isn't really me... It's not. I wonder what happened?... I just need to find myself again... Show you who I am... Who I really am... I'll be damned if I keep getting labelled the know it all bitch... The insensitive one... The... Whatever else... It's not who I ever was.. Until how many years ago... I've become cold.... I need to unthaw.... I need to gather my senses... And stop being so stupid. I need to sober up... And get off the cocaine and heroin... It's been slightly over a month... I can't be like Dan... Just can't.

Also.. I can't destroy the only thing that I feel is real... But I feel I must stop talking to you.... I must... Because there is also something in the way... Preventing me from getting to really know who you are... Preventing me from moving forward. I feel like I am standing still... I hate that feeling of going absolutely nowhere... I can't keep circling. It's not me and it's not even you... But it's there... Right in the middle... Always there... Just keeping us still... I don't want a frozen moment... I want dynamic movement... With everything moving forever forward... We can't have that... And I want it... More than I wanted anything in my life...

... It's just time to get away... Out of my shell... to do something for myself... To be free for a little while instead of behind the closed gates I have shut myself... Time to open them wide.... And just let everything flow.... The natural way.

I'll see you guys soon... I promise.

I called work and told them that I don't want to work overnights any longer...

Jason seemed like he was okay with that... After the panic subsided that he thought I was going to be calling in again tonight. He seemed to understand that school and work is just too much to do while working the overnight shift. He said he was likely going to get me back on the evening shift. I feel highly guilty about it however since Simon was offered the evening position phlebbing. I don't want to steal it away from him because I can't handle my job...

I was perfectly honest with Jason... I told him I am going through a lot right now... And just can't handle it. I almost started crying on the phone. Honestly... What the hell is wrong with me? 2 years ago I was strong... And stable. I was the girl that everyone looked up to and now I am just a fucking mess. I even asked my mom if she was worried about me today... She flatly said, "Yes." This isn't the first time I have been on suicide watch. I was on it when I was in high school. At that time however it wasn't because I was actually suicidal. Someone thought it would be funny to call the crisis hot line and get me into trouble... I was miss popular in high school... Everyone knew and liked me... Funny how that changed... I isolate myself and keep my guard up nonstop.. But that's because of everything i have been through... I am attempting to protect myself... I just don't want to any more. Some times... I just want someone to be able to protect me... I want that closeness... And I want to feel like someone cares... Things have changed.

Last night was different. I woke up last night with cops in my bedroom asking me I was okay. I lied and said I have no idea what they are talking about... That I didn't talk to anyone out of state and that no one had any reason to suspect that I was going to do anything to myself. I mean I do things to myself all the time... why should one night be any different from the others? I hate lying... But I did it. I effectively lied... That scares me. I am the most honest person you will find on the face of the planet. I went back to bed... And woke up around 6am. I then proceeded to panic if the police would call my job and if I would get fired. My mind has been set at ease 7 hours later.

I hate people worrying about me. I honestly live for other people. I don't live for myself and never have... My purpose in this life has never been for myself and that will likely never change... It's who I am. I got that martyr syndrome going on. I care for strangers and my family and friends more than I have and ever will care for myself. I don't care how many times people hurt me.. I will always keep running back to them. I am the strong girl... I need to be here for everyone else... I can't just let go. And really... You are likely reading this thinking I am a nut case... But I am fine... Sincerely. I am not lying. I was totally set off... Thinking of my father... Emailing him and reflecting on everything... He was always paranoid and schizophrenic... But when he got hepatitis... It was multiplied 100 fold. I thought about all those lucid moments he had before the last time I really saw a glimpse of my true father and it tore me apart... There's a reason why I don't talk about him. It's hard treating someone like they are dead when you know that they are out in the world scared, alone and fearful of everyone they encounter. Even though he used to abuse me verbally, physically and emotionally... It wasn't always that way. There were times when he was really a father.. And we got along and I loved and cared for him. He's not really my father any longer... His other personalities have taken over... And it's easier to pretend that he's dead then to keep thinking that my father is being tormented by his own mind... That he's in some prison he created... Where he's the warden and prisoner. It's awful thinking that..

I have also been thinking far too much about all the people in Northfield that our graduating class has lost due to suicide and drug overdoses. I have lost two people this past year whom I talked to on a regular basis and partied with while I was in high school. It just gets me thinking about death... And what they were thinking... How they got so desperate... And makes me reflect on myself.. My mistakes.. my feelings... My thoughts... It's destructive... I don't have coping methods... I just fall to pieces. 

Anti-depressants are horrible.. .They turn you into a zombie.. However... Until I can fix myself... It may be my only option... I need something to temporarily make it seem like it's okay even though it may be the biggest lie ever.... That artificial happiness. I see my mother take them and she has improved in significant strides. I want to be like that... I just wish I didn't have to do it by taking something to re-uptake neurotransmitters in my brain... But if it can temporarily fix me... Until I can find something to permanently fix me... I guess I'll do it. I don't want people in a different state calling the suicide crisis hot line... Having someone care enough... Is kind of an awful feeling... I am so detached from my emotions that I don't even know what being loved and cared for really feels like.

Are you even alive?

Only two more months left of the semester and I have to say I am in a good position:

General physics = 100% = A

Sectional anatomy = 91% = B

Radioglogic physics = 86% = B

Since the antomy and rad phy are program classes, the grading percentages are a little differet:

100-93% = A

93-85% = B

85-78% = C

<78% = F

I am right on the border as you can see of getting another A and getting a C. Hopefully my rad phy test will go well on Thursday... I really need the % boost before the mid-term.

Which Way

Stumbling my way down the rabbit hole

Today it seems. . .

Ripping out completely my soul

I am tearing at the seams. . .

Shattering and re-gluing all the broken pieces

Piece by piece. . .

All the happiness is evaporating real fast

There's no peace. . .

Everything inside that I once knew is missing

I can't find it. . .

If I did, I've passed it and keep on forgetting

Where is it?. . .

I feel like a fallen angel with broken wings

I can't fly. . .

Where I am at no one bothers to sing

We can't fly. . .

Haunted by endless screams in the night

I hear them. . .

Consciously sleeping I have them in my sight

I see them. . .

Swallowed up and engulfed by pain

I am blind. . .

Kill a piece of me you have no shame

Close the blind. . .

I am awake but only subconsciously

Only dreaming. . .

Is someone going to finally find me?

Keep on dreaming. . .

Hallow me out and make me empty

So you wish. . .

Destroy and ruin my life fully

Don't I wish. . .

The hour glass is completely empty

Time is out. . .

You got everything that you want from me

Just get out. . .

Can't comprehend the darkness inside

No you can't. . .

No more voices to pollute my mind

No they can't. . .

Tie me up by chains and try to justify

They way you are. . .

Wash the water all over me to purify

Scars you are. . .

The water closes in I'm only drowning

Must be dreaming. . .

Struggle stops suddenly its sweet sounding

Only dreaming. . .

Someone come save me and someone find me

Don't I wish. . .

Wake me up from the nightmare I keep on believing

Don't I wish. . .

© 2004

-----

I have posted this a few times I am aware.. Yet it is probably my most favorite which I have ever written... And I am posting my poems in order from which they are written.

I suggest you read this poem 3 times

First read the poem chronologically... Then read the first line 3rd line 5th etc.. Finally, read lines 2, 4, 6 etc. If it it's easier... Lines with dots together and then read the lines without dots.

Enjoy I guess.