... Moving to Dallas tomorrow... 

I am in denial. 

"Mother, I am never getting married."

"How do you know that?"

"No one in the right mind would be able to put up with me."

"I wouldn't say that."

"My standards are too high."

"If you lower them, it will allow more people in."

"No, I cannot stand stupid people. Standard 1." [she laughs]

"I am being serious mother."

"You need to lower them."

"If I find someone really fucking special, I'll lower my standards by maybe 2%" [mother sighs]

"2% is not enough."

"Single forever it is then."

And here I am... Contemplating GSR patterns...  And blood splatter... 

My word of the day about myself is:

altruistic. 

defn: Unselfishly concerned for or devoted to the welfare of others.

I think that defines my whole life in a nutshell. Good job profile...

Good job.

... I realize that I haven't written in quite a long time...

I don't really feel like I should apologize... I have been going through... A.. Hurricane if you will... A shit storm... Of well, shit.

My life... Seems like it's been pulled out of a "paranoid are us" catalogue... 

And as if I weren't somewhat aware... I have been experiencing... PTSD symptoms... I like confirmation... From people...  Who notice I suppose... It clicks in my subconscience being... That I am not certifiably insane... Just partially... Most of which I may or may not being doing to myself... 

... My PSTD didn't really need to be confirmed... As if that weren't obvious with my constant cutting... 2-3 hour "naps" so I can avoid REM sleep... So I don't have to dream... And a 5 day spree of being awake... Granted there are a few days here and there... Where I still don't sleep... But... I didn't really tell you that... Your mind... Made that sentence up dears... Yes it did.

I stopped counting how many days it's been... Since I received a rather friendly package on my front steps... Or... How long it's really been since... My Urgent Care Abduction of sorts... The days... Seem like an endless timeline... Of dreams.. And thoughts... And images... That I can't quite push out of my mind... The River has been a lovely thought... Lately... I really need to go there...At least two more times... To feel some rather lovely disconnect from around me... Perhaps to even die... That would be the ultimate lovely ending... 

I need to find someone... Neko that is... He birthed me... Made a piece of me... Into the computer genius that I am... It seems more important with every.. anonymous remote hack into my lovely computer... I am also getting more and more annoyed... With every conversation he has with people... He's crossed a line... And it needs to stop... And it needs to end quite quickly... I do have a plan in mind... It should be... Lovely... An adrenaline rush if you will... It will be exhilarating for me... Frightening for him... All I have to do is find him.... Hide and seek... Playtime... Is over Mr. Rogers. 

I can feel the composed... Always patient... passive... Mask falling off... It's nice... To feel in control... My alter is appeased.. To let it out in the open if only for a very short temporary time span... It makes me wonder what other ones... Can be slipping... Hopefully only the ones I want to... The ones I directly control... There are other ones that will never come off... Let's hope it stays that way... I do after all... Have appearances and images to maintain... Only a few get to see the pieces behind the masks... Count your blessings.

... I think that is all...

... Demented Shawn Ashley is here for a while... Let's hope she doesn't stay.

I found my apartment in Dallas. I will be living in the Addison area...

I am not saying much on the... Topic... Everyone who knows me.... Knows I am terrified... Stressed... And will likely not survive living there for 9mo...

You can say, be optimistic... You will be fine...

No no no... You don't understand the amount of my dependency on people... Even I didn't realize it... Until recently... Very recently... Nor... My fear of people... Huge huge fear of people...  It's going to end up in disaster.

I had a fugging panic attack... Not even an hour ago thinking about this... It will not be fine... No no no...

It will be...

A bloody disaster.

This goes back to the birth of Neko and Blaze.

Bryan said I could wear sunglasses in the lab when I dispatch since the computer screens give me headaches.

... How thrilling...

And Jain didn't get fired... Even better.

It's a good day at work... It's the going home part that sucks.

It feels like October.

I have died everyday waiting for you...
Don't be afraid that I love you.