The worst part about being here... Is that you can't just rip out your IV and ditch the pole... And run out for a smoke... And have someone pick you up at the corner to run home... And stay there... You can't just get up and escape.

I can hear his voice... A simple two or three rooms away talking to the RN's... Asking at first then.. Demanding to know how his only child is doing. Their replies are getting more annoyed with every time he asks... "Sorry sir... She doesn't want visitors... She doesn't want anyone knowing her status... We can't reveal anything about her regardless of you being her father... She is no longer a minor so we have no obligation to release information to you... It's a HIPPA violation... Please understand." 

I am sure... Just as I can hear him... I  know he can hear me crying from the bathroom... One RN decided to try and bribe me to come out of the bathroom because my IV pole was beeping and she insisted she would fix it.... I knew that meant restraints and a plugged in IV... I said no and that I would be perfectly fine as soon as I went home.... "You do know we can't allow you to do that yet. Your counts need to be higher..." I don't give a rats ass what my counts are or how long I need to sit on my bed and be flat... I am not sitting in that bed for another minute...

I am not sure looking in the reflection is much better... It makes me want to shatter the glass.. And end everything in one quick motion.. Just one quick swipe of the jagged glass across the brachial artery... there's absolutely no way they could save me in time... I would die while they panicked.... Simply while they tried to figure out what they should do... It would be too late while they decided... It's a mere 30 second window until the darkness would capture everything and my eyes would be closed forever... the RN asked me if I was talking to myself... I told her that I was talking to her... And that if she put restraints on me... I will do it. 

But no... I am supposed to remember.. That I am not like him.. Or some pathetic bullshit.. Or how I did nothing wrong... That it was he.. Who made the mistakes... That he is that unfathomable monster... Yet I see both sides of the monster... I see the monster and the broken man under it all... Something... No one I tell seems to want to believe... That there is no man.. That he's simply a heartless bastard... Soulless and some... Demon or something... That he is incapable of feelings... No no... He is... I've witnessed it numerous times... All beneath the fog which is a worsening condition... It's there... I promise... I am not as crazy as you think I am... I swear...

Him and I have things in common... Mother always said I didn't learn my stubbornness from her... She's quite right... I learned it from him... We were supposed to stay flat for... 8 hours... 12 hours... I have no idea... He came treading down the hallway a mere few hours after our procedure telling the RNs he didn't give a shit if he was supposed to be flat or not... That he has waited... Years to be able to see me... And that he'd be damned if he didn't... I heard the commotion... Hopped out of my own hospital bed... And opened the door... They then proceeded to tell me that I needed to be flat. I told them I'd stay flat.. And he'd go back to his room after... he said what he needed to.. That it was okay... I simply let him... come inside.

I started the conversation... 

"Do you remember when I was... 18... You asked me if I could give you a ride... To Crystal... You disappeared for a bit and came back 20 minutes later... You said you had to get your clothes from a friends... You came back with nothing... Then  you asked me if I wanted to see where you lived now?... I said sure... I was so desperate to see you... Seeing you... Made the divorce real... It confirmed that you weren't coming back... It was supposed to help me move on... So I told you.. Yes... I'd love to see where you lived now... You invited me to come inside...To see what it... Looked like... I wanted to see it... it was a dump... I came in... And I sat on the sofa... You sat next to me... And you... Touched my neck... Pulled me in... And kissed me on the lips... You wouldn't let me go... "

"No, I did not," he whispered...

"I am not finished, Michael... You grabbed my breasts... And unzipped my pants... I started to scream... I screamed... And screamed... I screamed... "No daddy don't!" You told me... "Stacy, I've been waiting for you...What is wrong?"... I told you... "I am your daughter... I am not STACY."... You continued... You didn't believe me... You took off my pants... And... You... ... You raped me... You thought I was Stacy... I don't even know who she was... But I told you... I wasn't Stacy... But you did it..."

He started crying... He had a genuine shocked look on his face... He didn't know doing this... I got validation... I continued...

"When I was a little girl... 6 or 7... Something happened to me... You protected me... I was daddy's little girl... I loved you... And you hurt me... You drank... And you choked me... ... You yelled at mother... Called her horrible names... You got better... You went to AA... You sobered up... You were my father... I saw you cry when I got hurt... You came to every band concert and choir recital... We flew together... We had... Good times... For a while... Then you got sick... You found out your diagnosis... And it all changed... You told me once... You never wanted to be like your father... Step father and mother... But you were much worse when you got sick... You were the worst thing that ever happened to us... I wished for you to die.. I hoped you'd crash the plane... I hoped you'd hit a deer... I wished for you to be gone... Because you were simply ill and you refused help.... You did this to me... I am a fucking disaster because you refused... To get help."

"I am getting help now."

"No, you are not... Let me tell you the rest... I was pregnant.. By you... You were supposed to protect me from everything... But you couldn't even protect me from you... I hate looking in the mirror... Because I have your eyelashes... Your bridge of the nose... Your eye shape... Your curly hair.. I am terrified.. That a piece of  you is inside of me forever... And I hope to god it's the good things... Because underneath your illness... And your alcoholism and drug abuse.. You were a good person... If I get anything from you... that's what I want... I want  you to get better... But you fucking did so much damage... And this admittance.... Doesn't begin to cover it... But I want  you to know.. What you did to me... And that you detest me... I have scars on my body.. That are from  you... That are never going to go away... I have to live with what you did every single day... And I have to think about what you did... I have dreams about you.. Doing it again... The least I can do... Is to tell you... So you can perhaps share some of that... Pain and... Knowledge with me... And I hope it drives you slightly insane..."

He was still crying at this point... He looked up... With his gorgeous hazel eyes... "I am sorry... I really do love you... You are my daughter... I don't know what else to say..."

He left the room... 

I went back into the bathroom and contemplated my mirror breaking as I screamed at the mirror and started sobbing the hardest I have ever done in my life... And hope that the next time he looks in the mirror... He sees my face.. And he truly realizes what he's done... 

If you would all take a minute and look at this link I would be very thankful.

I was friends with Jenny's sister, Heather, in high school. I knew Jenny fairly well. She was a fantastic gymnast. 

Any donations or comments would be appreciated.

I never ask for recs, but please consider this one.

"On December 31st, 2006 there was a blizzard in Minnesota. Jenny Mayer Dettling was leaving her home to meet up with friends for new years eve, not far from her home a truck was not able to stop at an intersection and crashed into the passenger side of Jenny's car. Jenny suffered a traumatic brain injury and spent one month in the ICU of Hennepin County Medical Center. She then, spent another month in a rehab hospital to ween her off of her ventilator and another four months in the Northfield Long Term Care Center while her family fixed their house to better suite Jenny's needs. Her family has been very dedicated to give her the best care possible...." Continued here [link]

I would love to make a difference in someone's life and if you would all donate even $5, it would make a big difference not only in Jenny's life, but everyone involved in taking care of her. So please consider.

You will know me by the scars I bare
You will know me by the hate I swear

I split you open
Climb inside
Lose myself
Eaten alive

You want to see me burn
I am living fire.

The second time this week I have been awakened because of dreams...

I do wonder if it was because of the crying with the likely screaming... Or because my mind wanted to shelter me from the last few minutes of the movie that keeps replaying...

... There's always another day for the ending.. Dear S.A.,... We play here all week...24/7... There's no hiding from us...

Yes... It seems so... And I can't wait.. To see it entirety... Again... And again... And again.

He Got the Devil In His Eyes
And Stylish Flair

He Shoves Her To the Ground
Her Soul Begins To Drown

A Sky Full Of Eyes Where the Stars Should Be
A Sky Full Of Eyes Watching Silently 

You're A Woman Now
You've Become A Woman Now

The Weight Of the Cradle Has Broken the Bough
You've Become A Woman Now

It seems like my darkest dreams have became reality...

I am moving to Texas. 

This is very likely the end of everything.

Yes, Indeed.

We find out either tomorrow or next Wednesday where we go to clinical...

Kill me now...

... "It's so good to hear your voice after all these years..."

I can't say that it's good to hear yours... My voicemail got tired of you calling every 3 days... And you heard my voice less than a year ago... You have really gone bat shit crazy...

"The divorce must have been really hard for you..."

It was so hard for me that I only got 11 credits my freshman year... I was an alcoholic... And a heroin addict... I believe hard is an understatement... As I recall you didn't notice my lip piercing or nose piercing but you say noticed my eyebrow one and made a comment... You should have maybe noticed then, but you simply stated, "What's that in your eye?... In is not the same thing... Those would microdermals... This is an eyebrow piercing... And I am sure there's plenty of suicidal emo kids in Los Angeles that have them as well.... So it couldn't have possibly that been that hard because you didn't even notice that every ounce of my rebellion was directed at you... And only you.

"She works for Accenture? They do secret CIA development..."

Oh daddy dearest... You really are sick. I am pretty sure her company does not in fact have a secret CIA branch of education.... Software, sure... But she's not going to come get you... Nor is it nearly that exciting... I see you aren't doing better... You likely lied to mother that you are in fact going to a psychiatrist. You however do seem happier... I wonder what fake euphoric anti-depressants they have you on... 

"I tried to add you on facebook, can you add me?"

No, you are one of the reasons my profile is unsearchable... Because I don't want you on my profile categorizing my every move and pretending like you really know who I am... You didn't know who I was before you were sick... And you haven't got the faintest idea 8 years later...

"Are you married...?"

I laughed... What a silly fucking question... You haven't got a clue do you?

"It's good you have a career to fall back on..."

You mean I am not going to be Lady Gaga?... You shattered my art and singing dreams before I was 10... I learned from the best... You reminded me every year for the next 7... That I had to have a realistic major... And go to college for something useful... And no... an x-ray technician is not what I am majoring in... They take pretty pictures... I treat cancer... And see the same patient's every day for 6 weeks...Big difference.... And if you ask me 10 more times when I graduate and what I am majoring in... During this conversation... I may as well go die some place... Because this is torture.

"Take care of yourself and know I miss you and I love you..."

Go fuck yourself.

*****

Yeah... I have fucking daddy issues...

Comes with his schizophrenic diagnosis... And his accusations of my mother and myself trying to poison him...

And one other thing...

Lilacs.

... Despite over a year of hard work... Of nothing but A's with a few B's thrown in the GPA cesspool, there are no clinical sites available in MN, WI, IA, ND or SD. My options are very limted:

Cleveland, Ohio - Pass

Corvalis, OR - Pass

Aurora, Co - My roomie would kill me

Dallas, TX (2 sites) - Likely

Fort Worth, TX - Also likely

Phoenix, AZ - Pass

Tucson, AZ - Also pass

Baton Rouge, LA - Absolutely pass

So as you see I worked my ass off for absolutely nothing... The gods and the fates... Adore me... It just makes it so much easier for me to die.

... Fantastic.

Watching the sun comeup

Watching the moon go down

Sinking is going too fast

Riding is going too slow.

Secrets of truth are known to be

Lies of love to fail

And happiness of sadness to last

With a brushing of of lightness right past me.

Watching it all fall away

Letting it all falter

Making it all disappear

Letting it all fall away.

A deep and meaningful expression of my faith

Watching happiness upon your face

Taking an everlasting picture of you

Shows me your happiness falling through.

Watching the sadness over me

What is it that you cannot see

A brightness of unknown certainty

Or a darkened breath of my sanity.