Yesterday I was at work... Like always.

I went up to do a STAT blood draw on a patient on the general medicine unit... Upon getting to the patient's room, I see him sitting on the edge of the bed slightly pallor and he just looks like he's nauseous. I didn't think anything of it since majority of the patients look nauseous but then I noticed a heavy iron smell. 

I juggled in my phlebotomy cart and introduce myself... I notice he's swaying almost like he's drunk. He says, "I am feeling really light headed." And starts swaying even more then passes out right in front of me. As he passes out towards the foot of the bed, I notice that 50% of his bed is covered in fresh blood and that would explain my iron smell.

I don't even think twice. I go over and hit the STAT staff assist button in the patient's room and get out of the way. 5 or 6 RNs come running asking,"What do you need help with?" 

"He passed out talking to me, and his bed is covered in blood."

They start working on him and I leave the room. I was worried he was going to code or something so I just hovered outside of his room waiting for a few minutes. When nothing happened, I went to a few different patient rooms on the same floor and walked past his room and heard the doctor say, "He had a colonoscopy today but his hemoglobins have been within normal limits." and as I walked by his room he was on his phone, "... I passed out from blood loss." I was happy to see my patient alive and talking.

I proceeded back down to the lab. With the amount of blood I saw, I figured they wouldn't be needing the hemoglobin I was there to draw and that they would just start a transfusion right away. The floor called down to the lab and said they would be wanting that hemoglobin I was there to draw initially. I called them idiots and went back up there to draw his blood hoping we wouldn't have another problem.

Upon entering the room I attempted a new conversation with him.

"You seem to be doing a little bit better. How are you feeling?"

"I think I am okay. I am feeling a bit better. You are my angel. Can you imagine what would have happened if I were at home or if I were driving?"

"Don't think about that. You are here and you are alive."

He then told me he had a colonoscopy and they removed a polyp. I said it's possible that they nicked something or the polyp was attached to a blood vessel. The poor thing would be having a follow up colonoscopy tomorrow morning. I felt rather bad for him but smiled and told him it would be okay.

He thanked me again and I proceeded about my blood draw. For the next hour I remained in a semi dazed shock simply because the 5th floor is one of those floors where you never know what is going to happen. The RNs and CNAs are some of the laziest ones I know... If I didn't happen to walk into the room when I did, the RN or CNA may not have checked to see how he was doing for an hour or possibly more and who knows what would have happened then.

And that my friends, is how I saved a life.

... And then the silence roars.

It makes me realize how truly alone I am... In the chaos and disorganization that seems to be running through my mind... Especially this past week.

This year would have been tolerable... But it swiftly became intolerable the second I looked at my phone from a week or so ago with the name on my call history... That one name... I just don't want to ever see. But there it was... Just screaming at me.

And then the thoughts... The memories... The smell.. The noise... of everything... Remembering every little detail... His voice.. Touch... Whisper... A plain... "Would you like to come inside?"... Then total abandonment... Total guilt but most of all... Total disgust... At myself. It's intolerable... Simply increasing and will never seem to reach it's climax... Just exponentially getting worse.

You mix that with a few losses... And the memories and horrendous guilt... A feeling of betrayal... And you have something which has never been quite reciprocated... You have true chaos... True undeniability... That this could very well just be it... The end.

I am thinking those thoughts... And I am just getting lost in them... Letting them wash over me... Just.. Drowning in them.

Lilacs.

I've lost myself... In the sea of all of these things... I look like a stranger and I feel foreign on the inside. I have had far too many things taken... Simply haven't recovered any sense of it... Likely to never heal... Or get better...

... Unfixable.

7 years ago today my best friend died in a car crash.

I am not going to talk much about it this year.

I will however say... There is a great shadow hanging over me...

We will see how the rest of this goes.. But my magic 8-ball is saying...

Outlook not so good.

I have my team lead interview tomorrow. 

Wish me luck.

Not knowing what you feel, that’s not the same as not feeling anything.

I was asked to do female vocals for a well known rapper from Chicago.

I am quite nervous about it... I have never been in a recording studio before, but it is something I've wanted to do for my whole life. And to be on someone's album will be fantastic.

Perhaps a huge door is being opened for me.

Just go with it.

You know how people are always like, "If life gives you lemons make lemonade."

I got one...

When life gives you lemons, peel them and squirt them in the eyes of life and then point and laugh.

A quick two minute sketch of MDN. He committed suicide in 2002.

And this is how I deal with my sanity

Hollow, empty, alone, shadowed

I reach to my one piece of my security

But how high can I reach up?

How high can I go before I fall down the ladder?

Unsecured, unsure, unsafe, unsatisfied.

Can you hear my voice when it keeps getting sadder and sadder

sadder...

sadder...

sadder.

My sanity is kept with a single lost voice

Silent, lost, tired, lonely

Can Heaven hear me screaming outloud?

Is he listening to every word spoken?

I don't think he sees the total desperation

Sin, worry, forgiveness, please.

Just one day, for one moment, just to have a talk to hear you and you

you...

you...

you. 

Everything I do seems like it's completely pointless

Disaster, incomplete, meaningless, disoriented

I turn to the one thing that can make it better

God, are you really listening?

Can you hear my last hope from my failing words and save me?

Life, destiny, hope, Eternity.

Reach out to me please and tell me it's going to get better and better

better...

better...

Better.

Tell me that it's not too late to turn the hourglass around

Second, minute, hour, year

I fear things might not be as I hoped and I fear

If I reach up to you, can you just hold my hand?

Grab it please, but will you still let me go?

Rejection, disgust, dishonor, disloyalty

Will you let me spend my last days with you in eternity forever and forever?

forever...

forever..

Forever.

And let me tell you I love you.

I will be with you forever.

For my sanity.

@ancient_scribe

April 16th, 2004:

Everything lately is just a Roller Coaster... With school almost moving quickly out of sight, parents selling our house and me getting ready to be on my own... I am left feeling unwanted. My father tells me that when I move out for college that there will never be a place for me and that I am the reason for their marriage problems. It makes me hate myself. I blame myself for everything that goes on, even though mother says it's not my fault... I feel it is. Maybe all the stress is starting to pile up with 30 days left of school and wanting to get out of my crappy family life... And just forget that my father ever existed. The only problem with that, is, I would be no better than him. I just wish from time to time... Well actually, all the time... That my mother knew better than to keep hurting herself and just leave him... Maybe then I would begin to feel better about myself as well.

"Simple minds do not understand complex thoughts."