**My only published piece of writing. It was published in a literary magazine... It is also the last poem which I will be posting.**

Untitled

Loneliness takes me all over

And for what?

So as to seek—Something

Secure in the light.

Shadows cast light over

Happiness

So as to find—Angelic

Voices to say, search.

Seek the shadow in your life

And to find

The path to betterness

Push away the sadness.

Keep searching your soul

As to see

To make the pieces—whole

To put you back together.

Secretive Whispers

Secretive voices

Elongated breaths

Silent whispers

Unknown truth

The feelings of total numbness

Follow my veins everywhere

The voices are wishing me to fail

And I am gonna succeed

To regain everything I once knew

Is no simple task to pull

And everything seems uneasy

As my whole world begins to collapse

In a distant place I can hear whispers

I cannot control what they're telling me to do

And no matter what the darkness holds

No one can tell me how to escape

Those are the secretive voices

Those are the silent whispers

And they all are unknown truth

It won't hear me out at all

I want to try and help myself

But I am paralyzed in my fear

I don't know what maze is ahead

Nor do I know what's going to win

Silence is no longer silent

It all uproars

I cannot see through all the haze

There I am, the one falling

The Storm

Gray skies spread over

A loud bang

The cackle of lightening spreads across

The splash of rain hitting pavement

The wailing sirens come on

The silence comes in

Blowing shards of glass

Pinking against the places they hit

A soft howl of the wind

Spreads through the open space

Echoes of the bangs and cackles

Still spread through the silent night from before

I've become

Light bursts through darkness

Fire seeps through fog

I am seeing more clearer

Then when I was blind

Clouds uncover your truth

I am so much smarter now

Unraveling around your secure line

I am watching you fall

Do not speak softly in my ear

The wind blows me away

I do not want to help you

Find your own self today

I can taste the darkness that you fear

I can hear the clouds moving

You can sense the fire within me

You'll always turn your back on me

Breathing your death into me

I'm struggling to find my path

You're holding me down to the ground

I am chained to your soul

Your truth comes unglued

I can see you when I am blinded

You hate whom I've become

It is finals week. I am not going to stress about it too much... It seems fated that I get sent out of state.. And will likely end up dying within the 9 months I am there... Literally, die.

I got a B on my Lab Final which = B for my final grade.

I cannot get an A in my 2/3 other classes even if I get an A on the final. So I have decided not to stress about these two finals. I will get a B either way.. So Rad Phy = B and Treatment Planning = B

I have an A in Rad Bio and I know I will get an A on the final so that final grade = A

B Treatment Planning Lab

B Treatment Planning Lecture

B Radiation Therapy Physics

A Radiobiology

= 3.25 GPA

... Horrid. It's a far cry from my 4.0 and 3.8 for the last two semesters.

Breathe into me

The life living air

Let me be my own

And just leave me alone

Show me your face

Don't hide yourself

You mean the world

Bow down and worship you

Hearing your voice

The sweetest sound

Don't take away my soul

Don't let me fall into the darkness

You now have disappeared

Hide your face away from me

You left me all alone

I just shut my mouth

Breathe into me

The ending of life

I have failed you all

You left me to die alone

Gone

What is life?

Would it be the same without you?

What is happiness?

Would it be better without you?

Seeing me fail

Is happiness in your world

Happy without you

Isn't something you'd enjoy

I don't want you

At all in my elder life

You need me

To be your dog on a leash

What is joy?

Would it be everlasting without you?

What is sadness?

Would you feel it when I'm gone forever?

Controlling me

Is the way you control your own life

Without you

I would have all the happiness within my grasp

My life

Would be better without you in it

My joy would

Be better without you when I leave forever.

It will be really apparent what this topic is about...

For this one... I am disabling comments... If you want to say something about it... Send me a message or something.

Take

Take me away

And lead me to my bliss

Feel my face

And kiss thy lips

Take me away

Forget all my shame

Speak to me

And remember my name

Lead me here

Take away my thoughts

Cut myself

Forget what I want

Touch my face

Don't ask what I want

Violate me

Take what you're sought

Erase my pain

Take me to paradise

Touch my breast

And take me over

Take away my fear

Wipe away my tears

Killing myself

Don't rape me again

There are more details surrounding Shea's death that I would like to share...

http://www.startribune.com/local/minneapolis/126214618.html

According to second-degree murder and first-degree burglary charges filed in Hennepin County District Court, Robert Emmanuel Shelby, 27, of St. Paul and Semaj Williams, 21, of Brooklyn Park, broke in Shea Stremcha's home on July 20. Stremcha, 25, who was home with his fiancée, confronted the intruders with a knife and was shot in the heart.

Police were called at 3:10 a.m. to Stremcha's home in the 2900 block of 45th Avenue S., where they found him shot in the chest and not breathing. Blood was pooled around his body, and a large knife was near his left hand.

Police noted an open side door with a shattered window.

Stremcha's fiancée told police that they were asleep in the bedroom when she was awakened by breaking glass. She woke Stremcha, who grabbed the knife from a table next to the bed and went to investigate. She told police that she heard a loud gunshot and a yell from Stremcha. She saw him fall to the floor in a hall and ran to him. She applied pressure to the wound and called 911.

Police noted that a motion sensor on a corner of the house's detached garage had been set off. They found blood drops leading from the side door steps to the alley behind the house. A police dog unit tracked the blood trail to E. 29th Street before stopping near a curb on Dorman Avenue S.

Shelby was arrested July 20 on an unrelated felony warrant and had a bandage on his left hand, the charges said. He received stitches for a deep cut to his left index finger. Authorities learned Tuesday that the blood matched Shelby, the complaint said.

Williams was arrested July 21. When police questioned him, he admitted to being in the area of the shooting that night but could not explain why his fingerprint was inside the house, the complaint said.

*****

I have been rather stressed out for the past week...

Shea died exactly one week ago... I felt a lot of stress and emotion regarding the police catching his murderers and some emotions were intertwined with the memories of losing Zachary and how those were somehow relating only to well to his fiancee Ashley on some too intimate of a level.

I then had to deal with Tina.. My evil counterpart at work. I asked her on Friday if she would work for me so I could attend Shea's wake. She refused to answer me for two days. On the second day, I asked her again. She then responded that she had prior arrangements and she'd get back to me that evening. She didn't respond until Monday morning... The day before the wake. She said she'd let me know still and that she was trying to rearrange her schedule and she'd let me know that evening. I told her I'd ask Isaac to see if he could work.. I found out about 20 mins later that he couldn't since he was already working... And I informed her of that.

She didn't get back to me that night like she said. It was now officially Monday evening... And I had to work. I struggled thinking what I should do... I couldn't call in since my attendance was already in the tank... I wouldn't get off work until 7am. I had class from 11-2pm... And I had an exam at school that afternoon and couldn't miss because I'd get docked 15%... And then I'd have to drive 1 hour to and another 1 hour back from the wake... When would I sleep? And then I had to work again that night... It was a mess. I finally emailed my teacher asking if I could make up the exam... And looked like complete idiot emailing them at 2am the day of the wake...

Then it was a waiting game... to hear back from my teacher... 

Jain came in at 0430 and saw that I was rather upset and asked me what was wrong.. I explained the Tina situation... She had a pained expression on her face and told me that on Friday she talked to Tina and she said that she wasn't going to work for me... Why then wait 3 days to tell me no?... I do not understand it at all. To play a game on something so tragic eats at me... To know someone that I work with can be such a vile soulless person pains me... It reeks of almost sadistic behavior because I had to beg her to work for me for my mother's surgery... For my school schedule and least of all... Shea's wake... She enjoys listening to me plead to her... 

*****

U2 played this weekend at the University of Minnesota TCF stadium. J. E. was a friend of Shea's and attended the concert. He said, "All I can think of is middle school your leather vest, and I recall the first nipple ring I ever saw. [it was fake mind you]" I remember that leather vest and his Indie style.. He wore it well into high school. He reminded me of a much younger version of Bono in fact... J. E.'s comment made me smile. 

I suppose it would be appropriate to share a U2 video... So here's the most upbeat song that Shea would pick:

Shea's ink drawing of Bono

*****

The Sinister Six was a group of six people created by Shea. It was him plus his closest five friends. When separate, they were the sweetest people... But when put together, they were the most sinister villains in the world. [not really]

Shea's art of the sinister six from left: Joe, Shea, Alex, Blake, John, Zach

Zach: "Is the Sinister Six similar to groups like the Fantastic Four and the Super Friends or would the Sinister Six be more like some type of comic book villains? Let me know."

Joe: "It's kind of a combination, like fantastic super villains with no powers"

John: "What is Zach's extreme then?"

Zach: "Standing with my arms crossed...extreme is relative."

Zach: "Well John looks like Wolverine. In real life I mean."

Shea: " Yeah, it captures all of us at our extreme. Joe playing baseball while being drunk, me with a giant wrench, Alex with more broken bones, Blake being short, John being wolverine and Zach with extreme arm crossing."

Shea on the left, his best friend Alex on the right.

RIP Shea. <3

One of my friends was murdered in his home a few days ago at 0300am. Someone apparently broke into his house to rob him. Shea was a night owl and surprised his burglars. They proceeded to shoot and kill him. His fiance was upstairs sleeping until she heard the gun shot go off and she promptly dialed 9-1-1.

My mind has been a busy one lately... Hoping to God that they found whomever did this quickly... It was like a constant nagging in my head thinking "What if they don't find his killer? How will anyone get any closure?" I just read a news article that they arrested 2 people for his murder today... I feel satisfied... But at the same time there's this deep eerie sensation going on some place deep inside of my soul.

http://blogs.citypages.com/blotter/2011/07/robert_shelby_semaj_williams_homicide_shea_stremcha.php This is the article about the suspects

http://www.biermanfuneralhome.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1217456&fh_id=11715 His Obituary.

This marks at least the 5th person from my graduating class to have died. 1 died from a drug O.D., 1 died from a brain hemmorage, 2 committed suicide and now Shea was murdered.

Northfield is a small town with a growing drug and alcohol issue... I know it was a lot of people's dreams to get out of Northfield and to aspire to be something great... Shea was one of those people... It's a shame that the good seem to die far too young.