Understanding Me

You tell me you understand now

I tell you that there's so much you don't know

You think you can just figure me out

But it's going to take longer than you know

Only a few hours debate isn't going to teach you anything

People have known me my whole life and still don't get me

Why do you think you can figure me out?

When I'm still trying to understand me?

Instigating doesn't mean that I won't mean it

But when I say you're bringing me down

And I'm feeling horrible, why can't you just see

That you don't know me like you thought you did?

Don't take me seriously when I say the things you want to hear

Please understand that I've done everything I can to please you

But in your eyes it's never enough because what I do doesn't make sense

Just listen and know I love you, you don't have to understand me to know that

Anymore

Hey there, beautiful man

Do you know?

What you're doing to me

I can't keep pretending

That I'm okay

With everything you say

And I can't figure myself out

All I know is I'm not the same

Anymore

I will never be good enough for you

Do you know?

What you're doing to me

Beautiful man

Hey there, beautiful man

Did you know?

That I'm in love with you

But I'm not good enough

For you anymore

And we're never gonna be the same

I can't figure myself out

All I know is we can't be this way

Anymore

I'm not good enough for you

Do you know

What I did to you

Beautiful man

Hey there, beautiful man.

As you may tell... This poetry is rather dark... Which correlates the the dark times in my life... Sexual assault... And... Of course my father's mental illness... Cheers... I guess.

*****

Dreams and Imagination

It's funny how imagination takes you away

Even more so, when reality makes you stay

You don't know what to do

Somewhere in the middle, you fight

Free by self

Chained by life

Unspoken moments

Lost in a thought

I can see you

But I am invisible

Blurry images

Distorted memories

This is only

My imagination

I slumber in a nonstop twist of thunder storms

Lit by flashes I over see, and am torn by thorns

Something beautiful, and fragile

Easily broken by a snap of a finger

Unrelated and incoherent thoughts are linked

Down the same one track we all want to think

This is only our fake dream

Soon to wake up from our only loose minded imagination

Falling asleep

Lost is a moment

Forgetting all around me

I trip and fall

In my mind

I know everything

And you see me

And I am scared

You can kill me

It's only a dream.

The quicker I share all my poetry... The more likely I am to never log into xanga again...

*****

Untitled

Tear me apart

From limb to limb

From my back straight to my heart

I don't care just kill me.

Sincerity is so reckless

Blood line flowing from my veins

It's so insane

Forget me, I have no shame.

A piece of glass

Skimmed all over my flesh

Tear me piece by piece

I have no pain

Kill me you reckless shit

From my back to my front

Hear me out now

Here's my soul

You little coward

You can have it all

Devil or not

There is no justice

No justice

Nothing for the weak minded

No peace

For the believers

                                                                                                                                                            Nothing

I feel...

                Useless because no matter what I do for others, it's never good enough and I feel like I am just no good to anyone... Just wasting their time.

                                  Hopeless because everyone tells me that everything will get better with time and it's been so long that I have simply just lost count... And got fucking tired of waiting.

                                                      Unimportant... Because I am just everyone's afterthought. There is always someone ahead of me in line... And much like feeling hopeless I got tired of waiting to be shown how I matter to someone... I just want to be first to someone... And always first. I want someone to know when I'm not okay... And how to make it better... Even if it's only temporary.

                                                                                      Void. there's just simply nothing else left. I feel nothing. I don't even know what's it's like to be happy any longer.... I think I forgot.... I feel like I don't have a soul. I am just an empty space... A shell.

                                                                                                        Superficial I only talk about what's on the surface and I only tell people what I think they want to hear. No one really wants to know the truth... Even when they say they do... It's all lies.

... Dead.

                                                    Unwanted...

                                                                                                         Unneeded...

Blank.

... Thrown away.

INVISIBLE.And that's really nothing new.

I just want someone to give a damn.... I don't think anyone TRULY does. They are just ... Pretending.

                                                                                To know... What I think... What I feel... And to really WANT to find out... Not just because I am interesting or... Intriguing... but because I matter to them... Because they care...  Because they miss me...

 I guess that's okay... If you don't really want to care... Or find out about who I am...

If that's okay with you... You can just give up now.

I Hate Myself:

I pretended up a person you think is real

Told you everything that I know

I try to remember what I told you and what is true

Defining me, I closed up myself and told you how to feel

A secret life always lived behind closed doors

I deface myself just to feel better

You can't understand what's really going on

Everything's a blur; you don't know what to think any more

I've lied, cheated and decieted you

I've killed the person that I despise inside

To justify the way I really always wanted to be

But I've tried to tell you who I really am, but you still have no clue

I tell you and myself that I have changed

So I can turn back into the person I really am

Only to turn back to the person I made up

To be the person I have staged.

We both have fallen in love with the person I am not

I can't get rid of her, she's become me now

I adjust myself and change into me again

But it's still not me, now what I want

So my secret is that I still hate myself inside

Growing more hate for me day by day

You love me, but just cannot realize, this person I made up is me

And I will always be someone I despise.

I seem to have deviated quite far from my plans of sharing most of my poetry on here... So continuing in the order I left off in...

*****

Nightmares

Good morning night, wake me up

Whisper to me, screams of sleep

Keep me awake and make me think

All of your secrets I solemnly swear to keep

The heavy load, I can feel

Burdening me, chaining me down

Hide me away from my insecurities

Anything from the nights bloodened sound

Darkness swirls, I see the light

Thoughts in a haze, quickly going

Awoken from my deepest fear

The blood from my wrists no longer flowing

Good morning night, welcome me in

Whisper to me, screams in the night

Wake me up, put me back to sleep

My nightmares start to drift out of sight

... My mom found out she has liver cirrhosis... ... What a fucking downer.

The world is not ending tomorrow. Just thought I'd throw that out there...

We are going to hear the same thing about 12-21-12... 

It's not going to end then either.

Do we all remember y2k? Yeah... This is like that... Anyone who was computer geek enough didn't freak out and go buy bomb shelter supplies. It was just a computer glitch... Earthquakes and asteroids weren't and didn't plummet to the earth...

In this case, a Christian should know better. Open your bible and find that verse that says no one knows when he is coming... He will come like a thief in the night...Only the father knows when he's coming... But even then... The world doesn't end... It gets fixed up and reborn... And where are the signs?

No giant earthquake right now, no eclipse.. No darkening of the sky... No peace treaty with Israel.. Face it... It's not ending tomorrow...

Conclusion: Stop your prophecy whore mongering. 

*****

I could have said that a lot more nicely, but you're an idiot if you believe tomorrow the world is ending... And idiots need to be told how it is. 

I realize I never told anyone what my final grades were:

General Physics = C+. I got docked 10% because of shitty attendance in this class

Sectional Anatomy = A

Radiologic Physics = B

= 8 credits

Semester GPA counted for clinical placement: 3.4

Semester cumulative GPA for clinical placement: 3.7

Total cumulative for clinical placement: 3.81

Cumulative GPA: 3.57

If you are wondering what that is, general class grades don't get counted towards your GPA for clinical. So that's nice. It's like the C+ doesn't exist for clinical consideration. I need to try and get 4.0 in all the rest of my classes. Apparently I am competing with 2 other people to stay in state. There's only two openings. So, I have a 66% chance of staying here. I hope to God they get a B in one of their classes.

This semester:

Treatment Planning I

Treatment Planning Lab

Radiation Therapy Physics

Radiobiology

= 9 credits.

Only one more year to go...