Woah, woah, woah. That is one very crazy girl, and bloody angel. Where o where did my neighbor go? He has my car and house keys. If I can get out of hell and back into purgatory, I will. After all, we are all dead down here anyway. We can move to purgatory, can't we?

Screw Charity, marry me. Fuck Oscar.

I'm asexual and castrated.

And Red.

Marry Oscar, or Red, or even Skyler. Someone sexual.

That's ok. Let me explore my sexuality and we'll be ok. They won't marry me. They won't even marry Twinkle. I mean, who wouldn't? She's the whole damn package. Minus us. We kinda mess it up for her in a big way. We're a lot of baggage.

Adorable statement... "We're a lot of baggage."

Baby, it's the damn truth. No sane person will ever be with her. Even an insane stable person knows better than to touch this. While you might be too broken for total sanity, total stability, you have your moments. We will never be sane, or stable either. We are broken too. Let us put both of our broken, insane, unstable pieces in a blender and work through it together, baby.

We don't wanna be like Psycho Shrink. We won't keep begging you to be with us. We love you. Obviously, it's not enough for you. Sorry we're not good enough. We want to be. You are for us. I wish you'd see it.

And for the record, you loving her didn't cause her pain. She enjoyed every second she got with you and the others. What did, was the fact that you do love her and you won't do a damn thing about it. It tortures her because she sees so much in you that you don't see in yourself and she would rather spend the rest of her life trying to get you to see it, then let you throw it all away because of it. The difference is that Twinkle thinks the same thing, except she's willing to try, to be a better person, for you. She'd never leave you. She's gone, but you really needed to know this, baby. You'd rather not try then even bother risk knowing. I hate being main in this system. I wonder if you feel like you lost a part of yourself? I wonder if she was your soul mate? I wonder how you feel, baby? Did you ever need or want her enough to actually take a chance with a good life and live it with her? Or were you always going to settle for less than the best? She was special. Would you have taken the chance of the unknown?

I know she would have, baby. I wish you would have. She could have been better, with you. Not without you.

We're in a psych unit. It's been a week now. We're going stir crazy. I hate everyone in our head except Alessia and Clinton.I hope the next six months come and go fast if it doesn't end before then. People been nice though, they've been talking to me and stuff. They think I can handle everything so good because I'm the emotionless one. I feel, sometimes. I wasn't meant to handle everything though. Twinkle was strong, she dealt with a lot. I don't know what to do without her. She kinda was like my good inner voice of reason. She was the one with a conscience, you know? But yeah, people have been nice to me. They've been trying to keep us company. It still feels really empty and lonely. We have nothing left to live for without her. We existed for her, and for her alone. We need her back or we are all going to fade away. We may even get absorbed and spit back out as different alters. I don't know what is going to happen to our system. I hate this and not knowing. At least with Twinkle you knew she'd come back. She may not have always been the 26 year old, medical genius with a kindred soul, but she always came back as close to herself as she was able to. It would always get fixed eventually some way or another. This is completely different. There's no going back. Everything about it is wrong.

Haven, Clinton, Alessia, Gabriel, Charity, Saphira, Xander, Lacey, Sammael,Phoenix.

I do not understand illogical broken... Thinking.

I have more than enough irrational thoughts to... Make up for most people... But all of my irrational thoughts cannot seem to beat someone's one irrational thought...

I have been thinking... A lot... The past few days... And these thoughts... Have crossed my mind.. Because I figured out some great mathematical equation.

You once told me that you like to hurt things you find beautiful... And for a time now... I have been told.. That you simply cannot be with someone you love... 

I cannot grasp this concept... Because I have helped your system more.. Than anyone has... And probably ever will... Or I could be completely wrong... I seem to be told one thing, and then I am told the opposite by someone else... I simply don't know... Who to believe any longer... Or if I can trust any of you... At all... 

I have been labelled a weakness... By someone in your system...  And for you to want to kill your weakness... Seems... Contrary to what it really is... What I really am... 

I am your strength. 

You would kill the one thing that makes you better... Because... Your angel is... Right... You cannot handle love... 

So you would kill it... Instead of having the person you want... Help you to understand it.

I want this to be perfectly clear... 

I would never leave you... Never... Ever.

I have tolerated more from you already than anyone probably ever will... If that is not proof enough... I don't know what will be... For you, love... There is nothing you are forcing me to do..., it's something I want to do.

I cannot comprehend how you could love me... And then proceed to want me dead... But on the same hand... I could kill myself... And you would kill yourself to be with me... It makes absolutely no sense.

The thing that does make sense... Is that the closer I do get... To you... The more distant you become... I deal with your alters... More than I get to hear from you... I get why... But, love, it doesn't need to be that way...

I believe... I could help you... More than anyone could ever help you... I have the magic fairy dust... Laced with unicorn glitter... To make it a reality... You won't let me... Or... 

Either that... I am too delusional... And I really thought that I was special enough... Where you would never think you are undeserving... And would want to destroy the one thing... That makes you happy... I am sorry you want to be miserable... If that is the case... There is another possibility.. 

Or.. I allowed you too close... To me... And allowed you to manipulate me... Into believing whatever it was... You had to tell me... 

I don't know which... 

But nonetheless, my broken soul is still craving you... And I want you to devour it...

I love you, eternally.

I feel a vast emptiness which seems to be spreading throughout my whole being... Simply defining every aspect of me. 

The connections to people I have yearned for... For what now seem an eternity, simply does not matter... I have closed you out, pushed you away, and for some reason... It appears to be alright.

I will not say it does not matter... It does. I closed my eyes and imagined what it would feel like to read those lines on a screen... I have undeniably always felt too much. Apathy will never become me, empathy is what I strive for... And I felt it, I saw it. I promise, it will be worth it, dear. Maybe not now, but trust me, it will all be worth it in the long run.

Everyone deserves something they believe they cannot have. They deserve sanity, which I cannot possibly give them. Instead, they say I am not a burden, and try to reassure me that everything is fine. It is the same thing I tell them when reality says it is just the opposite. It is simply what our eyes... Choose not to see. You deserve... The world. Mostly, you deserve one less headache that is known as Shawn Ashley. While you have not chosen to walk away, for some insane reason, I have chosen it for you.. Because you deserve it... And no... Not because I want to hurt you... Because you deserve better, dear.

Everyone deserves better.

I simply cannot offer it... So I am going to stop trying.

The door is closing, and when it shuts, it is going to stay that way... Because it is the only honest thing I can give you all, to protect you, and to stop you from hurting.

When it closes, dear, don't even bother searching for the key... It's in a place no one will ever find... And where most of you will never bother to look.

Love from,

Blaze  & Company

Since most of the people whom I did not want to see these, have seen them.. I guess I will post them online for the universe to see.

I have been slowly drawing the alters in my head... Who likely won't be leaving for a while.. I have decided to share them on here for some reason... Which I don't get... Little of what I do these days.. Make sense... 

This is Sophia. I have no idea what compelled me to draw her... She is rather interesting... However.. She is an age slider... Meaning.. Depending on who she is talking to.. She will be different ages. This is how she looks, when she is talking to me. I drew her on my ipad.

This is Lily. She is a 10 year old who has severe PTSD and OCD. It is a pencil drawing and has some photoshop elements to it.

'

This is Haven. She... Yeah, I'd rather not elaborate on her... She's 15... And we'll just say she's a hot mess. She is done in pen and pencil.

Finally, this is Gabriel. He is my 5 year old alter.. An emotional, playful thing of sorts... He gets coddled to death by Alessia.

I have intentions of drawing Alessia, Clinton and Hael. We will see... My tolerance for drawing... Has decreased slightly...

I currently have 16 alters. 8 of which are new. Once Hael figures out what memories they have, he will merge them. I will name everyone in my head, just so you know.. Only a few stay constant. 

Shawn Ashley, Haven, Clinton, Sophia, Hael, Alessia, Gabriel, Lily, Orpheus, Verity, Artemis, Orphan, Unknown, Wasp,Mother superior Ayanna, Ash

I had a mock interview with my clinic sup... Jack the Ruler Nazi... To prepare me for real world interviews... As if I needed assistance in that department... 

But anyway... He told me my resume was the best he has ever seen by a student... And that he has heard nothing but positive things from the whole staff regarding me.. And my work ethics... Etc... Which is a total polar opposite of what he's heard about Berta... Which just made me smile... A tiny bit... I can't have smile lines... My friends.. I would look old... Speaking of that... Just a small tangent.. I asked some lady how old she thought I was... And she said 20... That was the best thing I ever heard in my life... in less than.. 8 months... I will be... 27... God help us all.

Anyway... Jack said, if there was a job opening he would be hiring me on the spot... 

Fletcher is currently applying for different therapy jobs... And Jack said if he left, he would still extend a job offer to me... 

A starting 55k salary isn't awful... And I adore everyone at the site... With the exception of Blake... 

... However... I have been holding on to this ideal... That I only have... 28 days left in the hell hole otherwise known as Texas... And I cannot wait to escape the reaches of... Total depression... And get the fuck out of there... this notion... Is keeping me alive... 

... I don't know if a job offer... And a decent income... Is worth 3 years of torture... I think not...

I would rather keep looking and kindly decline... 

I however... Thought I would let you all know... That something positive is happening... On that front... 

The negative is that... Daddy dearest greeted me yesterday.... When I arrived to mother's... It of course was not Michael, Chamber or Tory... I got stuck with the real pistol... Bradley.

I wish he'd magically just... Disappear... But I need him... Yet again... This is my payment... For yet another... BMT... To keep me alive for what reason again?... I keep forgetting... Someone said, "So you don't die." ... I'd rather die... Because there's really nothing left... And I stay here... To keep everyone else happy... Because they seem convinced they like or love me... I doubt they even know why... They do... But that's why I am here... Because they claim they need me... I'd rather just... Let go... 

Anyway... Merry Christmas... Happy New Year... Mazel Tov... Happy Hanukkah... Happy Kwanzaa... Whatever you celebrate.

... Remember why you are here... Smile... And keep breathing.

I really should be packing for my trip... But instead... I felt it... Very necessary to explain something to those of you who read me... But do not interact with me on a daily level... 

I was diagnosed with DID/MPD when I was young... So yes, I have alter personalities... And I feel I should tell you who my alters are... And give you some vocabulary words... For you to understand what it precisely is... I am not asking you to believe what I tell you... A lot of people... Especially health professionals believe DID/MPD to be a myth... And you are entitled to believe what you want... But I am going to talk about it anyway... And you can take away from this... Whatever you would like.

DID as I like to call it... is usually a disorder in small children caused by abuse that they have experienced or witnessed... It causes them to dissociate into different personalities as a coping mechanism to deal with the trauma... The original person... Who has split is called the core. They are the born person.. The person who existed before dissociation... Anyone else who has split off the core, or off of each other, are alters. 

Alters... Will hold specific memories.. Of trauma... And will protect the core in different ways... Whether it be emotional hurt or physical hurt... They are different parts to what the core is... 

The core can be made whole again through a process called integration.. Where memories, feelings etc. Are shared and the alter and the core become one again. 

Alters can be merged with other alters... It is basically an integration between alters.

I am Shawn Ashley, I am the core.

I have two alters who know everything there is to know about the system... Their names are Sophia and Hael. Hael does the splitting and merging of alters. He is basically like God in the system.

Alessia is an alter who came out the most when I was younger. She comes out when she feels I am not able to handle day to day stuff. She used to be a gatekeeper. A gatekeeper is an alter who controls who takes over the front and is out. She is 34.

Haven is like Alessia, she has no emotions and cannot feel pain. She comes out when she feels people are not caring, or when she thinks someone is trying to manipulate me. She also comes out during extreme physical hurt. She likes to nickname everyone. My nickname is Twinkle. She is 15.

Clint is another alter who comes out to protect me. He is crazy… And he also likes hurting me… We have a love/hate relationship. He is 21.

Gabriel is the little (child) in my system. He knows how I am feeling when I don’t and will come out when I am usually sad or upset about something. He is 6.

Platypus is another little in my system. He is a split off of Clint and will come out when he thinks I want something. Plato is 7.

Kiko has PTSD and OCD and comes out when the apartment is a total disaster or if she thinks I will be triggered.. Problem with Kiko is… She thinks that she feels dirty and has a horrible habit of drinking bleach to try and clean our insides… She is 30.

And lastly, there’s Angel. She’s new. I haven’t figured out what her purpose is, but she came from Haven and a little bit of me.

So, I hope that answered some questions that may or may not have been floating around in your head... And feel free to ask me questions... I may or may not answer them.

@ancient_scribe

Twinkle is dead.

Not only did I magically acquire pop tarts but I have found double chocolate caramel magnum ice cream bars.

Twinkle and I are sharing it. 

It's 340 calories of pure fat ass guilt.

I don't get what she's complaining about it's delicious.

Remind me not to eat dinner tonight.

I am eating those jalapeno poppers for a snack.

What jalapeno poppers?

You're not gonna eat for a week. It's Christmas. Everyone gets fat and then they all say they are going to go to the gym to work off their fat. It never happens. You'll just not eat for a day and we'll magically lose 10 lbs. 

I want to put a pop tart in the toaster and tape the lever down. Only the strawberry ones will work. We could have a pop tart induced bonfire.

We're going to the pool to start a forest fire.

Mother and I had a lovely conversation about relationships today... I am happy she realizes I will do whatever it is I want to do... It only took a quarter of a century for her to realize it. 

... It's a pity... I can't have what I want... I never get what I want.. Truly a pity... For what I want is... Perfection.

It is nice... To more or less... Have her blessing... To do... Whatever it is I want to do... Quite a long ways.. From the days... Where I couldn't even dial a friend... On the home phone... Without Chamber... Throwing a hissy fit and listening to every conversation... Or read... Every single email... And message I received through keylogging.

It's short lived, now they are talking about daddy dearest and Ter is rambling on about how he is sick. Twinkle said even when he wasn't "sick" he still did bad things. Ter got defensive. Twinkle's all irritated now. 

I want a naked picture of my future lover. I should remind myself by writing on Twinkle's arm in marker to ask him for a naked picture. 

platypus wants a guinea pig. send me guinea pig!

i want to go swimming. but sa says its cold outside. mommy said i would get sa sick and sa doesnt need to be sick. sa is afraid of the pool. i want to eat ice cream and cake. i want my own guinea pig. i dont want to share with platypus.

i just want that hot asian pussy.

Etsy is going to move soon. I am absolutely dreading the fact that she wants to opt for being homeless. I should bake her some cookies. I do not like Etsy being so stressed. 

core is a pussy ass cunt anyway.

I just want to clean the apartment.

no one cares what you want, bitch.

I do not want people to know I exist.

I ain't asking Hael to write. He might kill me.

i am going to build a snow castle. sa is the ice princess. she can live in my snow castle with my guinea pig.

Doll, we are not getting a guinea pig and it will not live in a snow castle. It would die. 

Enough talking.